Official Publication of

The Sin City Reds

Special Edition of

From the Bullpen

Guest Editor:  Curby

2003 Season

Edition No. 15

June 10, 2003

Greetings:

A.  Sammy “Corky” Sosa

     Sammy stuffed his bat with cork.  Big deal.  Itchie stuffs the crotch of his pants with hard salami; Friar Chuck stuffs his book bag with ill-gotten pizza; Jacko stuffs his billable hours with time spent on the Hot Stove League; Bone Daddy stuffs his memory with useless (but entertaining) trivia; Possum stuffs meaningless statistics in the ears of customers; and BT stuffs money into everything.  Stuff happens.  Get over it.

B.  Objective Expert Opinions

     My opinion of each HSL team as of Monday, June 9, 2003:

     1.       Irates - Team batting average of .261; tied for last place in hitting points per game at 3.3 p/g; second place in wins; second in winning percentage.  The best example of the “new” Irates is the two Cubs on the roster.  Typically, it would be Sosa and some scumbucket middle reliever, washed up closer or never was or never will be starter.  In stark contrast to his prior addiction to steroid chomping hitters, the Silent Assassin has Hee Seop Choi (impressive fall and concussion, but nothing compared to my tumble in L.A.) and Mark Prior.  Friar Chuck may have found religion, but Denny finally found the mound.  This is Denny’s best team ever.

     2.     Bombers – Second to last in doubles; .269 average; tied for most SBs; second to last in runs; third highest EFA; third to last in SOs.  Typical bean counter team.  Balance sheet manager – good hitter, bad pitcher – good pitcher, bad hitter – and so on.  Mouse, take a risk.  Mediocrity is safe, but boring.  You need a night in the “Flats” with Ernie or a evening in Windsor with Itchie to loosen you up.  In fact, I predict that you will be on “Kiss Cam” in Cincinnati.  Mouse, you need a trade or two in order to finish in the top five.  Call me.

     3.       Tigers – Third to last in HRs; last in Runs; third to last in SVs; last in Ks.  Isn’t it sad to see Arnold Palmer still golf in a tournament, Ricky Henderson play in the minors, and Cher pretend to be sexy.  Bone Daddy has become Sister Sally.  Forget Viagra, grab the paddles; this team is on life support.  You need to stop reading Baseball history books and pay attention to current box scores again.  Remember, you are a “Burke Bulldog” not a “Marion Crusader”.  I will insult you to respectability.

     4.      Tribe – Third to last in Runs; second to last in BBs; second to lowest winning percentage; second to last in Ks.  I like Bob; everybody likes Bob.  I root for Bob; everybody roots for Bob.  Why can’t Bob win?  Bob is “pitcher-phobic”.  Bob knows several people who are pitchers.  Bob even has friends who are pitchers.  Bob doesn’t believe pitching is a sin.  But, poor Bob cannot, will not, accept pitchers for who they really are – the key to winning the HSL title.  The closest Bob has come to accepting pitchers as part of the game is playing “mound ball”.  Somehow, I get the feeling that the Tribe and the Irates will combine forces again this year.  However, unlike past futile attempts at collusion, this year’s effort may pay off for U-Bob’s major/minor league franchises.

     5.      Chiefs – Last in HRs; last in RBI; second SVs.  This is not Chiefs like the great “Sitting Bull” or “Crazy Horse”.  These chiefs are more like “Cud Chewer Bull” or “Plow Puller Horse”.  However, I think this team may be two trades from second place.  Screech, call me.  I’m not talking about colored beads and fire water for Halladay like Possum would offer (OK, fire water is in the deal, but no beads).  I can get you off the reservation.  Together, we can plot “Itchie’s and Skippy’s Last Stand”.

     6.      Cubs* – Second in HRs; second in RBI; last in SVs; lowest ERA.  Friar Chuck’s Angels – er, huh, I mean Cubs – is the best squad he has ever assembled.  Divine intervention?  I think not.  Brother Mu has always been an astute judge of MLB talent, but has typically suffered from the “sphincter syndrome”.  When it comes to trades, Mu puckers up tighter than Itchie’s grip on a mini-bar key.  Charles, in the battle of good (you) against evil (Itchie), you will need help from your friends.  By the way, Mouse, Denny, U-Bob, Screech, Skippy, Possum, Buser, Blongo and Bone Daddy are not your friends.

     7.      Blues – Second in runs; first in 3Bs; first in 2Bs; first in SBs; second lowest winning percentage; second fewest SVs.  Stretch is a man of extremes.  From the gusto shown by standing on the bridge in Milwaukee to the Death March depression of HSL draft day.  From always going on the annual HSL trips to making apologies for taking a “family vacation”.  Therefore, it follows that McBlunder will yo-yo through the HSL standings too.  The Blues are now fourth; the Blues will finish eighth or lower.  If Blongo wasn’t kicking my rear end, I would offer him sage counsel on how to beat the scourge of the HSL (Itchie or Skippy – take your pick).

     8.      Redbirds – Second lowest BA; second lowest HRs; first in SVs; first in HDs; second in pitching points per game.  The Idiotic Iowegian already danced with the devil (Possum) this year.  The trade better end up being lopsided in your favor Cabooser, otherwise Friar Chuck will need to perform an exorcism which will require you to assume the same position as most of Possum’s trade victims.  Regardless of the trade, until you stand up to Skippy and tell him all those things you tell us (you know, how you are smarter, a better lawyer, better athlete, better looking, etc…) you will always be Tirebiter rather than Champion.  Johnny always says those kind of things to Ernie and it has paid off big time!  I predict that you will be King Mullet this year.

     9.      Wahoos – First in HRs, RBI, Runs; last or almost last in winds, BB allowed, winning percentage.  This team is as lopsided as Possum’s trading proposals.  Ergo, Possum is on the prowl for your pitchers.  Protect them from this fiend.  Possum will try to trap them with a “bait and switch”.  Possum will try to use camouflage – i.e. “Jose Valentin will hit 50 HRs” or “Mike Young will end up with more points then Zito”.  If you pick up the phone and hear the hissing of Possum, be afraid – be very, very afraid!  If everyone’s defenses hold, the Hoo’s will be in eighth place at the end of the season.  If not, Hoo’s win and we all get a plastic letter opener from Kutak Rock at Possum’s victory party (which he will promise, but fail, to attend).

     10.      Senators – Tied for highest hitting points per game (3.7 p/g); second lowest SVs total; highest BBs allowed; second highest Ks total.  Skippy was savvy to pick K. Brown, but stupid to pick Griffey; lucky with Jimenez and unlucky with Koch.  A good manager, who avoids knee jerk decisions, who does not over manage (i.e. shell game), and who is a good judge of MLB talent will overcome these ups and downs.  [Note to self:  Do not follow the last sentence with a conclusive statement that the Senators are doomed.  Jacko is thin skinned and very vindictive.]  Therefore, the Senators may have a chance to win it all.  However, unless Skipperoo can get Scott to cough up one of his closers in another one of those famous “arms length” deals, the Senator Hillary Clintons are destined to come up short this year.  [Note to self:  I think I just stepped in it and pissed off old Onionskin – again.]

     11.      Sculpins (A/K/A Skipjacks) – First in the standings; first in the hearts of Ameristar dealers; first in Jenna’s heart; first in the hearts of taxidermists; first in the hearts of brewers, vinters and distillers; first in the hearts of “ballet” dancers; and the last to leave the party.  I looked up the term “SkipJack” in the dictionary and found that it is a “young conceited fop”* or a “playful fish”.  Thus, I am convinced that Itchie’s team name is that of a “fish”.  That being so, I though a better team name would be of a fish known as a “sculpin” which is a large-headed, broad-mouthed fish generally regarded as a “worthless creature”.  If you haven’t caught on by now, I am still very, very, very bitter about last year’s HSL title race.  Unfortunately, Itchie has a great team again this year.  But on paper, it doesn’t look good – Terrance Long, Ryan Franklin, Cory Lidle, Estaban Loaiza and Mark Ellis.  Maybe, Piazza’s “groin” will be Itchie’s undoing.  Maybe, the recent acquisition of the Detroit Tiger’s Dmitri Young (he should be the poster boy of Itchie’s team – this guy is UGLY!) will jinx the team.  I wish it would happen, but it won’t.  Itchie is “dialed in” on the HSL title again.  Oh well, he give out good wearing apparel, gloats much less than Skipperoo, and organizes fun trips involving a casino, ballgames and ballet performances.  I can live with it.

     12.      Reds – First in the hearts and minds of all god-fearing, patriotic, intelligent, baseball savvy people everywhere.  Great team, great manager – nuff said.

C.  Miscellaneous

·        Can you believe Chacon or Loaiza?  This is a fluke.  Do not trade for these guys.  The second half will be brutal for both of them. 

·        Mueller and Mora have the leading BA in the AL.  The last Oriole to do this for the season was Robinson.  Mora will fade badly, but Mueller will not fade as bad.  In the end, it will be Blalock.  The other contenders, at present, (Bradley, Catalunotto, Baldelli, Young, Byrnes – who are these guys?) are also destined to fade! 

·        Why did I drop Meche at the beginning of the year?  I guess it must be “Ernie-itis” (the malady that causes knee jerk personnel moves).

·        Jeff Bagwell is on the trading block.  I have never owned him before this year and I now understand why.  May 5 was his last home run.  He plays in Houston for god’s sake.

·        I, for one, think that David Ernst does an incredible job of putting out the Bullpen and deserves an award for his efforts.  In fact, I will get right on it, so that Skipper will have a token of our esteem at the end of the season.  I am sincere about this and I am not just trying to suck up to David Ernst to mitigate the retaliation I am sure to endure (although, I would expect it to have that effect).

Gotta go.  Duty calls.  Remember, watch for the foul balls, and if you catch one, give it to a kid.

                                                                                    Mr. Pie

_________________________

* A “fop” is a “foolish or silly person; conceited pretender to wit or accomplishment; a man devoted to or vain of the exquisitness or showiness of his dress.”

POINT TOTALS FOR WEEK 10

WEEK 10 STANDINGS

THROUGH June 8, 2003