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Greetings:
Sprint To The Finish
In the world of BJFB, the date of September 1st is akin
to the final turn of the Kentucky Derby, the fourth quarter of the Super
Bowl or the third period of the final Stanley Cup game. As of August 31,
2003, approximately 136 games have been played (84% of the season). That
leaves 28 games to go. With a per team league average of 7,670 points as
of August 31, 2003, that equals 56.397 pts./pg. so far and, thus,
approximately 1,580 points per team for the final 28 games. With that many
points, dramatic swings in the standings are more than possible; it is
almost a certainty that the current standings will undergo more position
shifts than a BT driven 15 passenger van on an eight lane expressway in
rush hour traffic.
While the money and/or draft positions at stake provide
some motivation, they are not the primary reason that Stretch wants to
kick the beak off of Buser’s Birds, that Friar Chuck wishes to smite JT’s
Skipjacks upside the head with a concrete bible, that the Irate Pirate
desires to silence the hoots, whoops and snorts of the Hoos or that the
Bombers yearn to pulverize the Chiefs into the lower division. If promises
of gold or greater opportunities for future success do not drive the 13
HSL managers, what does?
BRAGGING RIGHTS! The ability to taunt, humiliate and
act superior to as many middle-aged white guys as possible. The proverbial
“pecking order”.
Predictions
With that understanding of the HSL psyche, the end of
the 2003 season is shaping up to be one for the ages. Look at the narrow
margins separating the teams with 1,580 points to go:
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Pts. Behind |
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Team |
Total Pts. |
Next Team |
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1. |
Reds |
8432 |
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2. |
Senators |
8099 |
(333) |
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3. |
SkipJacks |
7991 |
(108) |
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4. |
Cubs |
7833 |
(158) |
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5. |
Chiefs |
7798 |
(35) |
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6. |
Bombers |
7662 |
(136) |
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7. |
Wahoos |
7558 |
(104) |
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8. |
Irates |
7532 |
(26) |
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9. |
Tribe |
7509 |
(23) |
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10. |
Red Birds |
7398 |
(111) |
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11. |
Blues |
7261 |
(137) |
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12. |
Tigers |
6968 |
(293) |
Undoubtedly, the stress of the final month will cause
work deadlines to be missed, birthdays and anniversaries to be forgotten,
children to be ignored and wives to be denied one of the two monthly
lovemaking sessions enjoyed by a majority of the HSL managers. Countless
hours will be spent studying the box scores and STATS website. Numerous
telephone calls and e-mails will be exchanged in an effort to obtain
information, advice, sympathy or possibly to deliver misinformation or
play head games with competitors. It just doesn’t get any better than this
(except for draft day).
Let’s handicap a few of the current battles:
Tigers: This team has good players (i.e. Lopez,
Kent, Jeter, B. Williams and K. Brown), but not enough of them to move up
a spot. Big Guy is still doing some transactions, so Blongo must be
vigilant. However, it appears that “draft day” is Big Guy’s next
challenge. A few helpful suggestions to the Tigers: (1) change team name
to the “Karl Mauldins”, (2) hire an offensive coordinator and a new
defensive coordinator, (3) throw darts at position rosters to select
players, (4) let Molly pick the team, and (5) take some of JT’s
testosterone enhancement pills. I will insult you to respectability!
Blues: After reading Stretch’s stream of
consciousness bullpen, it is very hard to predict success for this
franchise. However, assuming that all the “crap” and “sex” thoughts do not
prevent McBlunder from managing his team, I believe that the Blues will
move up at least one notch in the standings. The Blues hitters (Bonds,
Suzuki, Mueller, Furcal, LoDuca and Gibbons) are as good as the Birds and
the Blues pitching staff (Morris, Zambrano, Moyer, Harden, Odalis Perez
and Beckett) is much better than the Birds. One suggestion to Stretch: put
it on “autopilot” McBlunder!
Red Birds: Doom and gloom, Tirebiter. You picked a bad team and
you’ve lived with it all season. Start making draft day plans – from the
11th hole. Wells and Smoltz went south for the winter and so did your
hopes of even a 10th place finish. We know that you are concentrating your
energy on other areas of your life such as work and family, but that will
not prevent us from mocking your pathetic team. Have you become so
accustom to the collective exhaust fumes from the nine (soon-to-be ten)
teams sitting atop the Birds that you will become a permanent denizen of
the HSL cellar? On behalf of 12 out of the 13 HSL managers, we hope that
Cabooser reverses direction of the Birds and, once again, becomes a noisy
irritant and distraction to Skippy.
Tribe: With little to fear from the Red Birds, Belly can
concentrate on overtaking the Pirates. Wait a second that would be an
internal struggle for power in the UB Empire. Oh well, it will be
entertaining to see which team Bob decides to push. Inasmuch as the Tribe
has gutted its team through trades, it is difficult to predict future
performance. However, the Tribe may have a better pitching staff in terms
of depth and, thus, a better chance to prevail in the end. September maybe
a schizophrenic nightmare for Bob.
Irates: I am going to go out on a limb here and predict that Denny
would really like to beat Ted this year. Unfortunately, I am having a hard
time assessing the Pirates because I have not heard of some of its players
- i.e. Jeff Duncan and Reed Johnson. This usually is not a good sign.
Sexson, Wells and Sheffield appear to be above average hitters with Prior
and Mussina being above average pitchers. However, I believe that BJFB
requires 20 players on the active rooster. Ergo, ¾ of the Pirates starting
lineup is compromised of unremarkable players which probably is good
enough for 7th place.
Wahoos: Possum will not let the Pirates overtake the Hoos if
research, daily transactions and weekly free agent drafts can prevent it.
I don’t think that the Hoos can catch the Bombers, but I believe the
distinction between a 7th vs. 8th place finish will motivate Possum to a
new level of statistical analysis. Granted that a 7th or 8th place finish
is still lower division; however, inasmuch as Ted believes that he is the
best HSL manager of all time, the statistical analysis which proves such
theorem could be altered by the Hoos position in the 2003 standings.
Accordingly, I predict that the Irates/Tribe vs. Hoos battle will be too
close to call.
Bombers: Looking at the Bombers reminds me of a quote from either a
long dead Englishman or a long forgotten cartoon character: “By George, I
think he’s got it.”
After a few years in the HSL, it appears that Mouse has assembled an
impressive squad and managed it adroitly to this point. Having Kenny
Rogers and Pat Hentgen in your starting lineup is a bit of a
disappointment, but the pitching of Pettitte, Washburn and Hudson and the
hitting of Guerrero, Ordonez, Damon and G. Anderson are positive signs
that this team could over perform in September and move up a notch. The
hill is steep and the competition is ruthless, but Mike can do it as long
as it does not come down to a burrito, taco, enchilada and tostada eating
contest.
Chiefs: Forget all that good stuff I said about Mouse and the
Bombers; there is no way the Chiefs will be caught from behind. In fact,
odds are in the Chiefs’ favor to catch the Cubs and the SkipJacks. In a
Gallup poll of the best looking guys in the HSL, Screech would finish
below Bob, me, Brother Mu and eight other managers, but in a Gallup poll
of the savviest HSL managers, Screech may finish in the money.
Cubs: Can a team with Aaron Guiel, Rheal Cormier and Justin Speier
(who?) finish 4th in the HSL? The answer is a resounding “maybe”. While I
predict that the Chiefs will conquer the Cubs, it is my most fervent hope
that the Cubs squash the SkipJacks like cockroaches. I am still very,
very, very bitter about last year. The Cubs can do it with or without
Chuck’s friend upstairs. Sweeney and Johnson are back, and Pedro, Woody
and Hideo are steady. Friar Chuck hates to lose to JT, so we can count on
Brother Mu to count every point in every boxscore carefully and manage the
Cubs with precision to the last day. Charles, I know that you do not
believe in magic, but I have crafted and sent to you a voodoo doll of
Itchie. It is hideous, so hide it from the little ones. I implore you –
use it and use it often.
SkipJacks: Don’t get me wrong, I think JT is a savvy, fun-loving,
witty and affable guy who sold his soul to the devil to wrongfully snatch
The Cup from my grasp at the last second of the 2002 HSL campaign for
atonement of which he shall be condemned to spend eternity as an alter boy
in Boston by day and Janet Reno’s boy-toy at night. Fifth place is where
the Jacks shall finish the 2003 HSL race. JT could’ve won it all except
for the insane trades he made. The 2003 SkipJacks are a model of self
destruction.
Senators: This team will win the 2003 HSL championship. Great team,
good manager and destiny are on its side. Skippy, travel on down to JT’s
Kum & Go Store, have Harold select a few scrub pitchers and you’ve got it
made. Oops, I just noticed that you already have a few scrub pitchers –
Lohse, Davis, J. Johnson, Anderson and Suppan. Oh well, Helton, Pujols,
Abreu, Wood and Gagne are still good enough to get you to the finish life
before anyone else. To eliminate any doubt, all Skipperoo had to do was
pull off a couple of more “arms length” trades with Screech/Scott.
Random Thoughts On the Trip
●
Traveling with Teddy to KC and Sin City was a blur of KC barbeque, brauts,
beer, tequila and baseball. We need to make sure Possum is on all future
trips.
● Did a pygmy shoot Ernie with a tranquilizer dart on Saturday night in
Sin City? Did JT slip a date rape drug into Skipper’s beer? Was Senator
Hillary Clinton having a staring contest with the inside of his eyelids?
Was David playing the statue game without telling the rest of us?
● New reality show for HBO: “A Night Out With Johnny”. In this show two or
three people go out with JT (who wears a styrofoam cooler lid as a hat)
and party all night. JT gets them drunk and asks each of them embarrassing
personal questions which, in turn, each guppy answers openly and honestly.
Then JT uses the answers to make fun of them the rest of the night.
● We should never ever have a trip without Scott. The guy has hilarious
stories and, without a doubt, maneuvers large passenger vehicles better
than any human being alive.
● While Ernie may be the rock upon which the HSL was built, Blongo is the
backbone of the league. JB goes on all the trips, goes to all the games,
goes to all the eateries and bars and hangs with the best of the partiers
into the wee hours.
● Is there any doubt that, if the Cubs win the championship again, Chuck
will commission Scott to create the first HSL “mesh” shirt?
● Mouse can get tickets to any game anywhere as long as there is a woman
at the “will call” window. Although he maybe a mild mannered accountant,
this guy can smooge the socks off any dame.
● I confess to chickening out on a trade with the Tribe. Bob is not gun
shy and he pulls the trigger quickly. His willingness to do the trade
without hesitation caused me such angst that I took the coward’s way out
by claiming that Nomar was hurt and rescinding the proposal.
● Thank god that Screech was on the trip. One of our brethren had a single
shot of tequila and blurted out a suggestion that “wives” be included on
the next trip. In a swift and forceful fashion, Screech challenged the
inebriated brother’s judgment and alerted all members to this serious
breach of protocol. The suggestion was quickly kyboshed.
Nuff said. See you at the Senators post-season bash.
Curby
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Skipper’s Brilliant Epilogue, Week 22
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Did anyone catch the license number of that 18-wheeler that just
ripped through the HSL marketplace, leaving behind a path of
destruction and shattered dreams? You saw it, the crimson-colored
semi with two pups behind it, bearing the giant laughing head of a
flat-topped Tricko, bound for glory and determined to leave Stretch’s
magical 1998 season record in its rear view mirrors. Wow.
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Through 22 weeks of the season, Magpie now has a 333-point lead over
the field. Let me remind everyone that just two short weeks ago, on
the Monday morning following the Cinched up for Cincy Trip, the
Senators were still in the lead with a 7559.5 to 7506.0 cushion
over the Reds. Just a few weeks before that, the Senators
held a seemingly commanding 200+ lead over the Reds. How
quickly things can change.
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As you have read here before, when you’re hot, you’re hot.
Magpie’s Reds aren’t just hot, they are en fuego. The
depths of hell can’t be as warm as Tricko’s charges, which, by no
coincidence, is where Tricko will no doubt end up after selling his
soul to the devil to finance this year’s journey to the top of the HSL.
You need proof? Take a look at the Who’s Hot list below, which
shows how many points were accumulated by the league’s hottest players
during the last three weeks ending with Sunday night, August 31. Not
only did Tricko have the hottest first baseman (Frank Thomas, 116
points), the hottest second baseman (Marcus Giles, 104 points), the
hottest pitcher (Keith Foulke, 112 points), the top left fielder
(Chipper Jones, 107), and the second-hottest catcher (Jason Kendall,
91 points), he also had the hottest bench warmer with Scott Podsednik
(118 points, but all while riding pine on the Reds’ bench). In
other words, Curby is so freakin’ hot that he can survive his own
major managerial miscues like failing to promote the white-hot
Podsednik and still kick the collective gluteus maximii of everyone
else in the league. Now that’s hot.
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I was looking through our transactions on the Bill James website
recently, and believe that I have discovered a new record. I could
stand corrected, but I think U-Bob has set a new record by demoting
persons named Jose the most times in one season, to-wit: 10.
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Joe Randa, Stretch’s best client, has been white-hot lately, the
top-scoring third baseman over the past three weeks. Yet he remains a
free agent. Who is the idiot who cut him loose, anyway?
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Just teasing, Shamu*.
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Nobody ventured a guess as to any of the details of the first-ever Hot
Stove League Trip, which occurred on August 3, 1985, at Royals
Stadium. Here’s the skinny:
On that date, we saw Roger Clemens, the sophomore pitcher for the
Bosox, win his 7th game of the season, and the 16th game of his young
career. He pitched six innings, gave up three hits, one earned run,
walked five and struck out three. We saw Mark Gubicza take the loss
for the Royals, pitching 6 1/3 innings and giving up five hits and two
earned runs. We saw Wade Boggs hit a double off Gubicza, we saw Billy
Buckner hit a home run in the fifth off Gubbie with two on, and we saw
Willie Wilson hit a triple off Roger Clemens. We also saw Lonnie
Smith steal second base off Clemens and Rich Gedman.
And now for the icing on the cake. Believe it or not, but we saw
Steve “buy-buy” Balboni hit a blast off of Boston reliever Steve
Crawford, but the blast was not a home run, but a TRIPLE. Buy-buy
didn’t have many triples in his career, but by golly, we saw one of
them.
We also saw Dewey Evans play right field for the Red Sox, Jim Rice
play left field, Mike “Hit Man” Easler at designated hitter, Marty
Barrett at second, and Steve Lyons at center field for the Sox. We
saw a Royals line-up of Willie Wilson in center, Lonnie Smith in left,
George Brett at third, Hal McRae at DH, Dane Iorg in right, Frank
White at second, the aforementioned Buy-Buy at first, John Wathan and
Jim Sundberg at catcher, Onix Concepcion at short, and Darrell Motley
as a pinch hitter.
Not a bad way to start the legacy of The Trip, was it?
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