THE JIGGERNAUT
Greetings from Planet Itchie
Roughly 1/3 into this, the 2004 season, we are seeing some astonishing numbers.
I’m not talking about Junior’s 500th dinger, which came roughly twenty years after his 400th and formally cemented his already assumed induction into the HOF. I’m not talking about Bonds 661st round tripper, dusting his godfather for third place on the all-time list. I’m not talking about the Devil Rays 12 game winning streak, a franchise record. I’m not even talking about Anne’s Visa bill, which defines astonishing, or my weekly donations to Ameristar.
No, the astonishing numbers that I’m talking about resonate from Underbelly’s pitching staff. These figures literally strain the eyes and scream out "Is this a misprint?" True to form, the Head Tribesman steadfastly snubs his nose at the notion that pitching may have some miniscule influence on where one’s team may end up in the final standings. He just doesn’t care. Pitchers are boring, and given that they only participate every fifth day, it’s just not worth fussing over. Take a gander at these numbers, and ponder the Lincoln Sage’s place in the HSL record books if he can keep up the pace for the entire year:
 | His staff has racked up 743 points, placing him 911 points behind the rotation of the Senators |
| They boast a collective ERA of 4.89, more than a point and a half higher than the Wahoos 3.33 |
| They’ve garnered 4 saves. Yes 4 saves, trailing the Bronx Bombers by a mere 53 saves |
| Their .424 winning percentage trails the Wahoos .667 by a nifty margin |
| They’ve logged 485 innings pitched, just shy of the Bombers 698 |
| The Tribe boasts three pitchers that have cracked the 100 point mark. By contrast, there are 22 middle relievers now available in the free agent market that have broken the century barrier, led by Todd Jones 222. |
Okay Stretch, I know you’re close on a lot of these categories, but this is U Bob’s breakout year, so let’s give him his day in the sun. It’s good to see a guy make a stand and stick with it, when all those about him are losing their heads. He said he wasn’t taking pitching at the draft, and he held true to his word. After 29 pitchers had been plucked from the draft,(or put another way, after 7 teams had already completed their four man rotations), UBelly finally stepped up to the grease board, scrawled Anddie Petttitttee’s name in his slot, and said " I better latch on to one of these fellas ‘fore we get too deep into this thing." Thus was born a season to remember.
We’re all glad to hear our own Curby is none the worse for the wear, after experiencing a scary situation with his health recently. As a matter of fact, I saw the old Magpie at the ballyard recently, and he looked better than ever to me. He was trying to prey on my sympathy for his "scared straight" health experience, wanting to know if I could see my way to get rid of Helton or Clemens to make him feel a little bit better. My advice to you is this Curby: If being in the HSL pennant race is going to tax your ticker and elevate your BP, then let’s play it safe. Trade me anyone of value on your team, sit back, relax, and watch your team finish in ninth place. Pull off the highway, get on the shoulder, hop in to UBelly’s side car, and smell the roses.
Each year, one player seems to crawl out of the woodwork and put up numbers that are totally out of whack with expectations. Last year it was Loaiza, before that Derek Lowe, and previously it’s been Jeff Zimmerman, Brady Anderson, yada, yada, yada. If you’re fortunate enough to snag one of these one year phenoms on your roster, life is good for about six months. How does this happen? It’s spawned several monikers of it’s own, including dumb-ass luck, the Blind Squirrel theory, the Moneyball model, a crap shoot, Itchie magic, and plain old baseball knowledge. This year, it’s called the Senators roster. I guess we all should have known at the draft that Sean Casey would threaten to hit .400, Danny Graves would be on pace to break Bobby Thigpen’s single season save record, and Michael Young would make Ranger fans forget A Rod after three weeks. For each of your teams, I’ve identified the best player you snagged out from under our collective beaks (What were we thinking?), the worst pick you’ve made (What were you thinking?) and the lucky overachiever on your team (Pig in a Poke)
| What were we thinking | What were you thinking | Pig in a Poke | |
| Wahoos | Adam Dunn | Adam Eaton | Cliff Lee |
| Tigers | Randy Johnson | Sidney Ponson | Mark Loretta |
| Reds | Carl Pavano | Bernie Williams | A Benitez |
| Bombers | Manny Ramirez | Esteban Loaiza | Vinny Castilla |
| Redbirds | Frank Thomas | Bret Boone | Carlos Guillen |
| Chiefs | Vlad Guerrero | Juan Pierre | Paul Wilson |
| Blues | Scott Rolen | Larry Walker | Lyle Overbay |
| Irates | Brad Penny | Brandon Webb | Jack Wilson |
| Senators | Victor Martinez | Preston Wilson | Casey/Young |
| Cubs | I Rod | Juan Gone | Pedro Feliz |
| Tribe | Vernon Wells | Erubiel Durazo | Craig Wilson |
| Skipjax | Ken Griffey,Jr. | Troy Percival | CC Sabathia |
| } | Bartolo Colon is a fat pig. |
| } | Bartolo Colon is an overpaid fat pig. |
| } | Bartolo Colon is an overpaid fat pig now on Mouse’s roster. |
| } | Look out for the Redbirds in the second half of the season. They’re the team to watch, slowly and silently creeping up on the pack. I see you back there Tirebiter. You’re not fooling anyone. |
| } | The Irates have the most players on their team that I’ve never heard of. Nick Green, Reed Johnson, Jason Frasor and Laynce Nix are not exactly household names. But give SloPay his due. His team is in the hunt and they’re gonna stick around. He’s set up for his highest finish in quite some time, and who knows, it just might be on top. |
| } | Eric Gagne’s save streak of 81 straight and counting is a phenomenal accomplishment. While we all know that there are some easy saves when you walk to the mound with a three run lead, to go that long without having a single bad night or being let down by some shoddy fielding is something else. This may end up being one of the "untouchable records", up there with Cy Young’s win total and Sam Crawford’s triples. He’s got some nasty stuff. |
| } | Vlad Guerrero may be the best player in the game right now. He’s having a huge year, and just imagine his numbers if he had Erstad, Garret Anderson, and Glaus in the lineup with him. He’s basically done it by himself to this point. |
| } | Top three "slackers" in the game: Mondesi, Juan Gone, and Man Ram. Injury and apathy are just a moment away. |
| } | Top three "gamers" in the game: Biggio, Erstad, Trot Nixon. These boys will get dirty for you. |
| } | By the way, how does Mondesi basically quit a team in the middle of the year, take a few weeks off, and then sign with a contender, with no ramifications whatsoever? Bad precedent. |
| } | Did you know there are two pitchers in the Hall of Fame that actually have losing records? Who are they? |
| } | Topic for discussion on the league trip: If you were Commissioner of Baseball for a day, what would you change? Aside from the obvious problems with the economics of the game, what are your priorities? The DH, the Wild Card, Interleague play, the All Star Game, the Strike Zone? Get ready to defend your positions. If I get a few cocktails in me, I’m told I can be downright boisterous. I’m gonna need some answers here. |
| 1. | Wahoos | 4384 |
| 2. | Skipjacks | 4122 |
| 3. | Tigers | 4078 |
| 4. | Irates | 3948 |
| 5. | Redbirds | 3924 |
| 6. | Senators | 3881 |
| 7. | Reds | 3813 |
| 8. | Bombers | 3748 |
| 9. | Cubs | 3657 |
| 10. | Chiefs | 3656 |
| 11. | Blues | 3462 |
| 12. | Tribe | 2885 |
That’s all for now fellas. Look forward to the trip.
Itchie