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ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION
Does anyone have a brother in-law who would want to run my
baseball team?
As that avid baseball fan Winston Churchill once said:
NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN CONFLICT HAVE SO MANY, DONE SO LITTLE, FOR SO
LONG.
I would like to add, that not since the 1982 Argentine army, the 1990
Pirates, the French, in any war, or Johnny's ongoing fight with his gambling
addiction have I seen such a total and utter lack of commitment and resolve
as I've seen this year with the 2004 Tribe. I know what you're
thinking, what can we do to help? Does Bob need a shoulder to lean on? Does
he need financial help? Well…. yeah I do, and thank God for thinking
of me. Looking at my team a couple of things jump out.
1. Carlos Delgado- As God is my witness I thought Latin players were
too dumb to buy steroids. I was wrong. They aren’t. He
did. He doesn't anymore. And it shows.
2. Austin Kearns- He was once described as having unlimited potential.
Now he's known as having the biggest ears in the Majors. Move over
Fernando Tatis, there's a new sheriff in town.
3. Vernon Wells- He lost 30lbs in the off season to improve his speed
and help his game. How's that working out for you, Vern? So what if
you throw and hit like a girl as long as your clothes fit.
4. Dimitri Young- Two months on the DL trying to avoid a tag eh? Does
a buffalo on roller skates sound familiar?
5. Pitchers- There is no such thing as an underachieving pitcher, only
an overachieving one, so I have no problem with them.
6. Matt LeCroy- This one's for you Mr. Designated Hitter Guy.
When the other players are grabbing their gloves and heading for the field,
you take your place in the shade of the dugout because you forgot your glove
at home. You take a couple of Ruthian cuts at the wind, wolf down a
donut and layback down on the bench in anticipation of your 4 at bats,
hoping against all hope that you hit a homerun or strikeout so you don't
have to run. With the physique of an over the hill bowler, he goes
about his job with the drudged determination of a siding salesman working
for his father-inlaw. The season just can't get over quick enough, can
it? You're preaching to the choir Matt.
Drafting a winning team is becoming as elusive as contracting a hitman who
isn't an undercover FBI agent.
Now that all these major leaguers are coming out with all their secrets, I
too, must confess that I sometimes pee on my hands, although not on purpose.
Have you ever noticed the correlation between a persons standing in the
league and the number of times he post messages on the message board? This
is the most I've heard from Big Guy in a long time. As long as I'm on
a Winston Churchill's quotes kick, I might as well throw another one in.
"When the eagles are quiet, the parrots jabber." Just to let you know Big
Guy, I'll be back. Well…… not back…. I mean…… I was never there…
yet, but.… I mean… I'll be better…ah forget it.
I'm sure you think that this season is killing me, but you would be
surprised to know that there are only a few things that really burn me.
In fact I can only think of 3 off hand.
Losing my car keys: Granted 99 percent of the time I'm a victim of my own
undoing, but it's that 1 percent that I'm interested in. I'm not above
bringing in a CSI crime lab team to get to the bottom of it.
Being late for a movie: What's the difference between a couple who get to
the theater about 10 minutes before the movie, buy a ticket, and then amble
over to the popcorn counter and get in line for their food. And a
couple who are say, 2 miles away and breaking every traffic law known to
man, trying frantically to get to the movie on time? Nothing. Neither
one of them has a seat. Get there early, buy your ticket, go get your
seat, THEN, get your popcorn. Granted I may see more of a blank screen
and announcements to get my feet off the seats than actual movie time, but I
have a great seat and all the popcorn and pop I want. Now that
theaters are being made in the stadium fashion this practice isn't used very
much, but if you happen to go to one of the older theaters, it's perfectly
acceptable to buy a large drink and pour half of it on the seat in front of
you to keep people like….well, Stretch, from sitting in front of you.
Since the newer theaters have the staggered tier seating this practice isn't
used as much, which is a win win for everyone. I get to drink my whole
Coke and Stretch gets to watch the movie in dry pants.
Horror of all horrors: Ordering at the drive-through window at Burger King
or Mac Donalds with my family in the car. Just about the time the 16
year old malcontent gets on the horn to ask me for my order, I'm blindsided
with a barrage of special order requests, ranging from. Hold the
onions, mayo on only one side of the bun, could you scrape off the sesame
seeds, to hold the cheese on the cheeseburgers. This is especially
mortifying to me because I have a completely different take on fast food.
I've even been tempted to drive up and say "I've got 5 bucks, give me what
you think I should have, because that's what you're going to do anyway." If
I order a hamburger, fries and drink and get 2 apple pies, a shake and a
chew toy, I don't care, what's the difference? The hamburgers taste
like the shakes and the fries taste like the salads, as long as I don't get
stiffed, I don't care. Evidently it's a big deal to everyone else,
because I'm not allowed to leave the vicinity until the bag has been checked
by at least 2 different independent sources for accuracy. Now, when we
get in the car to go out to eat I claim backseat, so after they're through
pissing off the kid at the window I bark out my "No. 2 with a coke,
thanks". See how easy that is.
It's easy to get caught up in our own little problems, but I'm not totally
oblivious to what's going on in the league. I'm still reeling over
Moises Alou's 0-16 slump. How did you ever weather that storm Big Guy?
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Now that's its mid-season, it's time to take an in-depth look at the all the
teams in no particular order.
1. Tigers: Big Deal
2. Skipjacks: So What
3. Chiefs: Who Cares
4. Redbirds: They're still in the league?
5. Cubs*: Couldn't name anyone on the team
6. Wahoo's: Who?
7. Bombers: Don't they play rollerball?
8. Blues: ZZZZZZZZZZZ (love your pitching staff)
9. Senators: Can't place them?
10. Sin City Reds: Are they new?
11. Irates: How on God's green earth does this team continue to stay
ahead of me?? He's smoking me like Castro boggarting a Cohiba. I
notice every Monday he diligently picks up players in the Free Agent draft,
and he smartly promotes and demotes his Major League roster. Now, I'm
not sure the Bontragers have electricity, let alone a computer. In all
of the years that I've known Denny, I've never received an E-mail from him,
so I'm totally mystified as to how he communicates with Stats Inc. Is
it possible to stretch a tin can and string from Lincoln Nebraska to Skokie
Illinois? I've always thought he used smoke signals, but come on, how many
clear windless days can there be?
Johnny does have incredible luck. My only thoughts on that are, good
luck getting into the afterlife. I have this strange feeling that I
will be at the window at McDonalds in Heaven if I'm lucky enough to draw the
northern McDonalds assignment instead of the southern one, and he's going to
drive up with 30 Little Leaguers in a station wagon and they are going to
hit me with every special request known to man. Well, if that's the
case Itchie, check your bags before you leave, check them very carefully.
Remember, I pee on my hands on occasion.
Over and out and see you next year. With 2 draft picks in a row at the
end of every 5 rounds, I'll be a force to be reckoned with. I'll
parlay those picks, use my well known luck, a little monkeyshine and a nifty
new draft strategy and…………..…..ah forget it.
Underbelly
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