Let's cut the crap and get to the point.
How will the 2004 HSL finish? With a nod to Del Mar, let's look at
the racing form:
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"Wahoos" - |
A Boston bred horse that suffers from ADD. Prone to
taking big early leads and giving it up in the stretch like most of
Mouse’s audit clients. The ADD causes this horse to confuse a 1-1/2
mile race with a 1-1/4 mile race. The trainer frequently complains (at
length) about how unfair the 1-1/2 race is to this ADD horse. Bet this
pony to show - 3rd place. |
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Wahoos have the best pitching, but the loss of
points in homeruns and saves will cost Possum the title. For the
second time, Possum has learned that he needs to trade earlier and
adjust his team’s balance. Well actually, Possum has not learned
anything. He is like the baboon that sticks his paw into a hole in a
termite mound to get the apple (which he saw the researcher put
there). With his fist clenched around the apple, the baboon cannot
remove his paw from the undersized hole. However, the baboon will not
release the apple even when confronted by people carrying nets and
tranquilizer guns. The baboon stays until the bitter end, holding onto
the apple. |
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"SkipJacks"- |
A Saudi Arabia bred dark horse with thinning mane
and tail. Jockey wears a little devil costume. This horse is suspected
of using performance enhancing drugs, but trainer has refused to stay
sober long enough for questioning. Jockey prone to use the "buzzer" a
little early so that horse fades from first at the line. Known
cheater, but usually finishes in the money. Bet "Place" on this nag -
2nd place. |
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I am forced to think about the Jacks logically for
purposes of the prediction which tells me that, when the fat lady
sings, the Jacks will finish behind the Wahoos and Redbirds. Itchie
has the same problem as Possum, but the Jacks are 90 points behind and
upside down on RBI. However, we all know that Itchie is supernaturally
lucky. The fat lady is a whore and Itchie is her pimp. |
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"Red Birds" - |
Iowa bred plow horse. Typically goes to the gate
drugged up on beer, Skoal and anything else he can get his muzzle
into. If sober, this horse has been known to run a good race. Rumor
has it that a fat cat from Lincoln, NE put some serious money down
against this clydesdale which may motivate the trainer to whip
this gelding to the finish line. Crowd favorite because this horse has
never won. Put some money on the nose of this Hawkeye glue
horse. |
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Buser has the momentum and point scoring ability to
win it all. The Redbirds have superior pitching over Big Guy and
superior hitting over Skippy. Only managerial mistakes will screw up a
first place finish. |
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"Tigers" - |
A big nosed horse who was thought to be retired.
After years of poor showings, the old bow-legged scrawny grey horse
has shown some life lately. Not a lot of closing strength, so this old
timer needs the front runners to stumble. The trainer remembers every
race his horse has run (the names of the other horses, sik colors,
etc…..), but he may have forgot how to win. Bet this old bag-of-bones
at your own risk, but I say he finishes 4th by a nose (a big one at
that). |
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Great showing for Big Guy, but lousy pitching will
keep him from catching anyone and, but for Ernie’s propensity for
self-inflicted troubles, the Tigers would probably slip to fifth. I
take full credit for insulting this franchise back to respectability. |
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"Senators" - |
This horse has a big, big rump on him. Not a sleek
speedster by any means, but has won in the past. Typically, the
trainer hurts this horse by changing riders every week because of some
knee jerk reaction to the prior week’s workout. However, this is the
stronger horse of a double entry with "Chiefs". Usually, other horse
trainers have to be worried about "in-the-family" tactics, but "Chief"
is not a factor here. This horse is also known to cause controversy
and scandals such as "Pettit-gate" and most recently the "Pujols"
affair. No worry here though; this plump rump is strictly a middle of
the pack-mule - 5th place. |
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The Senators have decent pitching, but the hitting
is not quite championship caliber. Whether Pena, Newhan, Monroe, Ford
or Rowand are starting or not, the presence of all these no-names on
the Senator’s roster is a sign of desperation for hitting points. |
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"Reds" - |
Clearly the class of the field with a record
unequaled in the sport. Alas, this horse has had an off-year. Lady
Luck intervened and asked the trainer to give others less fortunate
horses a chance. Sixth will be a respectable (upper division) finish
for this past champion. |
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Reds are not moving up or down. |
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"Irates" - |
This horse has an uncanny resemblance to "Eeyore"
of Winnie the Pooh fame. This is a hard luck donkey to be sure, but
recently this horse has shown a spark - not a flame or a fire - of
life. It would be a "feel good" story to see this rented mule finish
ahead of more than one horse. However, I say that only three horses
will see this ass finish ahead of them - 9th place. |
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The Irates will be passed by the Cubs because of
pitching points. |
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"Cubs" - |
This is a large horse with almost no neck and a
strange faded red color. The horse has only one (tainted) victory to
its name. This fact is very unfortunate because the horse is known to
eat as much as any two other horses combined. The red horse probably
has enough gas in it, and the trainer is notoriously sneaky enough, to
get ahead of Irates and finish 8th. By the way, experts loved this
horse very early in the season. So much for the experts. |
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The Cubs could have been better had Shamu dumped
Payton and Gonzalez early, and drafted new talent. Shamu’s fear of
bottom feeders snapping up his discards cost Brother Mu big points
(not enough to catch the Reds though). |
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"Bombers" - |
This is a small grey horse with a very pleasant
demeanor. It has never won a race. However, rumor has it that
this horse is a favorite stud among the fillies (however, Greek
fillies appear to confuse this horse). The trainer is very partial to
New York riders which causes him to misjudge other talent at times.
Bottom line is that nice horses don’t necessarily finish last - but
closer to last than first - 7th place. |
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Mouse should have dropped Giambi and Loaiza and
tried to get new talent. In any event, with players like Manny,
Sheffield, Maddux, Colon, Vazquez, Varitek and Konerko, you got to
like the Bomber’s chances to surprise the Irates and Cubs. I say a 7th
place finish happens on the last day of the season. |
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"Chiefs" - |
A one time winner that has hit the skids in a bad
way. This soon-to-be glue horse started out from the fifth hole and
settled into tenth comfortably. This will not be comfortable for the
trainer. The owner of this flea bag is a big money fat cat who will
not allow this once proud stable to be humiliated with a 11th place
finish. The trainer will soon be enrolled in night classes on
statistics and a squadron of consultants will be engaged for
assistance with next season. |
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Chiefs have Soriano, Vladdy, Schmidt and no one
else you would take in the top 8 rounds of the draft. That is why this
team will finish behind the Blues. |
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"Blues" - |
This long-legged stead does not run; it walks
around the track like a dead horse. The horse was banished to a stable
off the track property because of its earth shaking snoring and fear
of chickens. A one time winner, this pony’s nickname has become "dead
ass last". Don’t joke with the trainer; he is an angry man who hates
crowd-pleasing animated games, cute pets, avid fans, walking to get a
beer and finishing in 10th place. |
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Blues have Rolen, Lee, Beltran, Abreu, Beckett,
Zito, Willis, Prior, Nathan and Foulke. The odds are good that the
talent of the Blues will nip the Chiefs by a point on the last day of
the season. |
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"Tribe" - |
This Branson, Missouri bred horse left the race a
few months ago and hopped on a carousal at the local carnival. |
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Tribe suffered more misfortune and torture than any
team in HSL history - albeit, some was self-inflicted. The injuries to
Pettite, Kearns, Soriano, LeCroy, Mantei, Miller, Reyes, etc… and the
power outage of Delgado would break any team. Lucky for us that Bob
doesn’t work at the post office. |
And that's all I have to say about that.
Mr. Pie
