1.  TEAM MAGPIE

IF[2]:

Fabulous, but why wouldn’t it be with five of his top six picks being infielders?

OF:

Dubious.  In fact, not even that good.

SP:

Very un-Tricko-like.  His weakest staff in years.

RP:

Some painful late innings ahead for Curbie.

WEP:

Bernie Williams.  Can you say “washed up”?

FMK:

It says right here Nomar in the 2nd.  He’s hurt, he’s mad, and he’s headed for a bleak year.

BLP:

LoDuca in the 19th will be a steal if he returns to previous form. 

FB:

A very strange draft for our defending champion.  Perhaps too much Possum weirdness in too close of proximity at the draft table?

POF:

3rd.

2.  SKIPJACKS

IF:

Helton, Kent and Tejada make this one of the top infields in the league. 

OF:

More question marks than a Riddler episode of Itchie’s beloved Batman series.  Has been described by one league member as “dreadful.”

SP:

Love Wood, but otherwise mediocre.

RP:

Nothing to boast about.

WEP:

Ken Griffey, Jr., in the 6th.  I was thinking more like round 15.

BLP:

David Ortiz in the 10th.

FMK:

Cliff Floyd in the 14th.  Huh?

FB:

This draft definitely didn’t go the way Itchie planned it.  He seemed confused in the 2nd round when he took Wood, uncertain in the 4th when he took Kent, and then he apparently suffered a moderate stroke in Round 5 with Bartolo Colon, after which things skidded downhill from there.  If not for Itchie’s remarkable ability to land on his feet like a cat no matter the circumstances –– in all phases of his life –– one would suspect a finish near the bowels of the league. 

POF:

5th.

3.  SENATORS

IF:

Rock solid and deep.

OF:

See above.

SP:

Solid with Halladay and Ortiz, potentially quite good if pieces fall into place.

RP:

Very muscular.

WEP:

Matsui in the 9th may have been a sniff or two early.

GLP:

F-Rod in the 14th was a steal, especially if Percival goes down and F-Rod is the closer.

RSP:

Tom Glavine in the 23rd.  What was I thinking?  This guy was a Senator never-ever!

FB:

I fully realize that I am often a bit more enamored of my own team than the rest of the rank and file, but sitting next to Screech and B.T. and overhearing their every conversation really paid dividends this year.  This is a strong Senators team which, barring devastating injuries, should compete strongly for the championship in ’04.

POF:

2nd (someone else can wear that heavy crown called “favorite”).

4.  CUBS*

IF:

Clearly the soft underbelly of this otherwise strong team.

OF:

Quite good, with the potential to be excellent if Juan Gone and “The Truth” have decent years.

SP:

Absolutely dynamite from the right side.

RP:

Smoltz alone makes this a good relief corps.

WEP:

Vidro in the 8th was probably sooner than most of us were thinking.

BLP:

Hidalgo in the 9th or Livan in the 16th, you pick.

RSP:

Taking Omar Vizquel as his starting shortstop was, shall we say, unfortunate.

CH:

Shamu drifted off to sleep –– belly full of Runzas and chili –– and didn’t help himself much from Rounds 17 on.  However, by that time he had already picked a solid, contending squad.

FB:

Gone are the days when Shamu showed up at the Draft with nothing more than a supple neck and sharp eyesight.  The rest of us would now do well to rubberneck off his notes, as prepared as he is these days.  Could this be the year of the asterisk-free Cubs* championship?  Yes, it could.

POF:

4th.

5.  CHIEFS

IF:

Starting infield is quite palatable.

OF:

Their right field tandem of Vladdy and Magglio rival the Cubs*’ duo of Sosa and Hidalgo.  Elsewhere in the OF, the Chiefs are solid but not spectacular.

SP:

Although I am not as impressed with Millwood as Screech and B.T., this staff is nevertheless potentially top drawer.  If healthy, having Schmidt, Milton and Benson on this staff may make it a juggernaut.

RP:

I’m not a Borowski fan yet, but at least they have Izzie as a backup.

WEP:

I think Millwood would have lasted a couple more rounds. 

BLP:

Jason Schmidt in the 7th is grand larceny if he is healthy.  Remember, this guy was last year’s second highest scoring starting pitcher.

RSP:

Joe Borowski in the 9th.  This may seem harsh, but a top team has to have a top closer, and Borowski isn’t.

FB:

The more I look at this team, the more I like it.  Now that Screech has ditched his other fantasy league and has just received a long-term pact from B.T. loaded with performance clauses, we might see this well-drafted team finally reach its potential in Screech’s third year as co-pilot.  Not to put the old jinxaroo on the Chiefs, but I see them as the odds-on-favorite to etch their name on the Cup this year.

POF:

1st.

6.  WAHOOS

IF:

Lamentable.

OF:

Potential train wreck.

SP:

Respectable but not spectacular.

RP:

Suspect, at best.

WEP:

Moyer in the 6th.  You gotta love this guy, but he’s 40, and not a 6th round pick.

WWEP:

Adam Dunn in the 8th.

FMK:

Joe Nathan in the 9th.

RSP:

Taking Arthur Rhodes as his top closer.  The guy has a 50-50 chance of blowing himself to smithereens as a closer.

BLP:

Trot Nixon in the 27th.  If he’s healthy, this was a steal.

CH:

What on earth happened to Possum in Rounds 6 through 10 (Moyer, Edmonds, Dunn, Nathan, Valentine)?  This is the ugliest quintet I’ve seen since Itchie’s bachelor party.  Possum’s mess kit was filled to overflowing after those five ugly rounds.

FB:

When you look at the results on paper, it is obvious that Possum spent more time during the Draft trying to outsmart Herr Tricko than attending to the drafting of his own team.  My initial inclination was to predict a 10th or 11th place finish for the Yahoos, but the Itchie catfeet analysis also applies to Possum.  He will find someway to steer this band of idiots up in or close to an Upper Division finish, by hook or crook –– probably crook.

POF:

7th.

7.  BOMBERS

IF:

Passable, but not a wowzer.

OF:

Powerful, potentially dominant.

SP:

Middling.  I wouldn’t necessarily want to be relying on Esteban as the ace of my staff.

RP:

Superior.

WEP:

Esteban in the 5th was at least a couple of rounds early.

BLP:

Jeromy Burnitz in the 15th.  Playing for the Rockies, the league cyberman could put up some big numbers.

RSP:

Taking Giambi in the 3rd, knowing that he is steroid-free this year, is a problem. 

FMK:

Rounds 5 through 8 were anything but pretty for Mouse.  Sitting by Possum and Magpie seemed to have that effect on people this year.

FB:

This team is definitely better than it looked when I first glanced through it on Draft Day.  However, in trying to figure out where they will finish, one has to apply the reverse catfeet analysis to the Bombers.  While Itchie’s players always seem to remain injury-free and able to put together career years as members of the Skipjacks, players drafted by Mouse tend to be hit by the injury bugaboo early and often, and frequently experience career-threatening slumps while wearing Bomber pinstripes.

POF:

8th.

8.  RED BIRDS

IF:

Odoriferous.

OF:

One of the very best, particularly if Damon has a decent year.

SP:

Not nearly enough.

RP:

Not too shabby, particularly if Dotel excels as a closer after sparkling as a late middle reliever.

WEP:

Santana in the 6th.  Yes, he’s good, but he’s a Twin, and he pitches in the Dinkydome.

RSP:

Picking Big Hurt in the 8th was extremely questionable.  He’s old, he’s slow and his “diminished skills” clause was exercised by the ChiSox for good reason.  He’s not likely to have two bounce-back years in a row.

BLP:

Brad Fulmer in the 18th should prove to be a savvy pick.

FMK:

After a fine start in Rounds 1 through 5, Tirebiter took his eye off the ball for about the next four rounds, possibly having been sucked into the Magpie-Possum-Mouse Bermuda triangle for a short spell.  He recovered nicely with Cabrera in the 10th and Damon in the 11th, however.

FB:

Once again, Tirebiter has proved himself to be smarter than the average Iowaegan (yes, this is damning him with faint praise, but it’s all part of the job) by picking a decent team, and one that could even find itself sneaking into the Upper Division if everything falls just right.  It is extremely doubtful that this will be the season that he gets the ten-year bet monkey off his back, however, as this 2004 version of the Red Birds doesn’t look, smell or feel like a championship-timbre club.

POF:

9th.

9.  IRATES

IF:

Ouch.  If everything falls into place, they could be mediocre.

OF:

Double ouch.  If the killer Gs (Geoff, Guillen and Gerut) were his backups, the comment here would be “solid backups.”  As starters, they blow.

SP:

Should be rock solid, but then again, they were drafted 1, 2 and 3.  You would hope to be able to say the word “spectacular” if you used your first three picks to draft starting pitching.

RP:

Let’s wait and see.  There must be some reason that SloPay drafted Damaso Marte in the 6th round.

WEP:

Webb in the 3rd, or Marte in the 6th, or Mauer in the 7th, or Guillen in the 8th.  Let’s call it a four-way tie.

FMK:

I love the strategy of drafting lots of solid starting pitching, but not at the expense of getting Hank Blalock and Richie Sexson as the cream of your hitting crop.  Hurtful.

FB:

While he is to be applauded for valiant effort, and for recognizing that pitching really is everything, one must suspect that SloPay’s rise up through the ranks is not going any higher than the 10th floor.

POF:

12th.  (DAL)

10.  TRIBE

IF:

Simply splendid.

OF:

Magnifico, with Giles, Wells and Huff being top-notch front-liners and with two solid backups.

SP:

Pathetic.  Dismal.  Wretched.  Ugly.  Hopeless.  Crummy.  You pick the adjective.  One thing is for certain, though, and that is that Underbelly has picked another stinker of a staff.

RP:

Not much better, although a healthy Mantei would potentially make a significant difference.

WEP:

Unquestionably it was Aubrey Huff in the 4th.  Solid, enticing player, yes, but one who would have been available in Round 7 or 8 for sure.  A clear case of wanting him way too much.

BLP:

Soriano in the 13th.  Oh, wait a minute.  This one’s a pitcher?  And not the ex-Yankee?  Never mind.

MSP:

Andy Pettitte in the 6th.  Maybe I’ll take some heat for this, but taking a leftie who doesn’t throw much heat and putting him in a hitter’s ballpark sounds like a recipe for disaster.  However, maybe as a newcomer to the National League, Dandy Andy can keep ’em off balance the first time they see him.

BF:

Rounds 10 through 14.  When the going got tough, U-Belly’s brain went AWOL.

CI:

Waiting until the 6th round to take a pitcher, and taking only two pitchers in the first eleven rounds is not just foolhardy, it’s suicidal.  When, oh when, will this young fellow learn?

FB:

There is no question that U-Bob will have a lot of fun watching his slugging stars, like Carlos Delgado and Vernon Wells and Brian Giles, put up the offensive numbers on a day-in, day-out basis.  They might even score enough points for the Tribe to escape the Lower Division.  But without pitching, the bedrock on which this league is grounded, the Tribe has no hope of winning and scarce hope of finishing in the money.

POF:

10th.

11.  BLUES

IF:

Ugly to the bone.

OF:

Beyond solid, short of spectacular.

SP:

Once Prior gets off the DL in September, this has the makings of a C+ staff.  Two too many Royals.

RP:

Foulke + Fenway + career year last year = potential disaster. 

WEP:

Foulke in the 6th.

BF:

See Rounds 8, 9, 11, 12, 18-28.

BLP:

Carlos Lee in the 10th was a terrific pickup at that late point in time.

FB:

If Prior was healthy, McBlunder’s first five rounds would match up with anyone, and from top to bottom, his first ten sound and look like a competitive team.  But when the rubber met the road, during the last 18 rounds, McBlunder was slumped over the wheel and put his 18-wheeler in the ravine.

POF:

11th.

12.  TIGERS

IF:

Probably this team’s Achilles heel, although it’s hard to argue with Bagwell, Renteria and Lopez. 

OF:

Pretty darned good for being picked so darned late.

SP:

If Brownie and RJ are healthy, this staff matches up with any starting pitching in the league.

RP:

If both are healthy, they don’t come any better than Gagne and Hoffman.

WEP:

Javy Lopez in the 4th, coming off what was clearly his best year, possibly steroid-induced, was probably not a good idea.

BLP:

Sid Ponson in the 20th may make the rest of us look silly.

MSP:

Joe Randa in the 14th, or for that matter, in the 24th, is not a good move.

CI:

As a whole, Rounds 12 through 19 weren’t exactly stellar for Big Guy, but if he can coach decent seasons from just a couple of these late-round fellas, he should be in good shape.

FB:

Big Guy clearly had a “Come to Jesus” session with himself during the off-season, after his cold slap-in-the-face 12th place finish in 2003.  He has clearly righted his ship for the 2004 season, and while the Tigers might not finish in the money, it is quite clear that they won’t finish in the bowels for a second consecutive year.  Maximal kudos to Big Guy for his recovery.

POF:

7th.