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IN OUR SUNDOWN PERAMBULATIONS OF LATE, THROUGH THE
OUTER PARTS OF BROOKLYN....................
What the Hell does that mean? I've still got dial up internet so I
never get past
that line, it sounds like Steven Hocking describing baseball to Carl Sagan,
and who's the narrator, Vincent Price? The guy gives me the creeps. Don't
you have a sound byte of Shaggy describing baseball to Scooby?
Thanks again to Dave and Jim for letting us use their digs for our
draft. When I heard that Gaines Mullen was moving my first thoughts were of
a strip mall with a neon sign or maybe the back of a Thai restaurant. It's
nice to see that pharmaceutical companies and insurance giants aren't the
only ones making a nickel in this down economy. You can always tell how
well a business is doing by the selection of candy in the reception area. I
counted no fewer than four different kinds of miniature candy bars, and it
was the good stuff too, Snickers, Milky Ways, Three Musketeers, not the
cellophane wrapped 4 year old peppermint candy you get with Chinese
takeout. So Pip Pip! Cheerio, well done!
Thanks also go out to
Scott for all the food. Scott shared with me his views on the fast food
business; he said most people like their food warm, greasy, and salty.
Amen, to that brother, I'm living (for now anyway) proof of that.
Ever fall asleep while you were driving? You know that feeling of
stark terror the second you come to and wonder how long you were out? Was
it a second, a minute, a mile, two miles? Then you thank God you're alive
and promise him it won't happen again, and then the whole scenario repeats
itself about 10 feet down the road. It's like being stuck in an awful time
warp. Well, that's how I feel. Every year I promise myself and anyone who
will listen that I won't repeat the same mistakes, but I do and I can't stop
it. Of course it happens to everyone at some point. Denny just flew past
me going 100 miles per hour in the wrong direction, wait till he wakes up
and sees his team.
My life would be so much easier if God would have made me just a
little smarter or just a little dumber. The bad news is, I'm not smart
enough to draft a good team, but I'm smart enough to know, that I'm not
smart enough to draft a good team. How come I can't be content with a
crappy team like Jim or John? The good news is I just saved a boatload of
money on my car insurance with Geico.
Last year I led the league in transactions made. I was able to
shrewdly maneuver my team from 10th place, to ....uh well, 10th place. I've
proven that I can at great financial discomfort successfully tread water.
Now I need to concentrate on movement, any kind of movement, up, down, I
don't care. I've got to find a way to get a carrot in front of this donkey.
I was reading "The Art of War" by Sun Tsu in preparation for the
draft when I came across this interesting proverb.
There is a big difference between drafting a pitcher early and getting
little in return and drafting a pitcher late and getting what you
deserve. I would much rather get what I deserve than be denied what I
expect.
Anonymous
10th Century Chinese rotisserie player
Damn, those Chinese are wise.
I just about wore out my
mouse clicking back and forth trying to decipher Dave's key for his
predictions. RFP, FMK, WEP, WWEP, CI, BF, FB. SOS HELP! Here's a
different look at the draft.
Reds:
Best Pick: Nomar in
the second, he didn't know about his injury when he drafted him so I'll
throw that out. He has probably the best left side of the infield in the
history of our league.
Worst Pick: Eric Chavez in the 4th round. Why would you waste
your fourth pick doubling up on the worst scoring position? You could have
had Jeff Kent or Billy Wagner or a 600 point outfielder. Chavez scored only
60 points more than the 18th round catcher Ramon Hernandez. Was he worth
it?
Prediction: Bad outfield plus bad pitching staff equals a bad
team. Past performances weigh in here, but I say 5th or 6th.
Skipjacks:
Best Pick: Todd Helton in the first, a no brainer
Worst Pick: Everyone from the 5th pick down. With the exception
of Helton there is no one I would want or draft from this team.
Prediction: 1st place. Come on, the guy is a four time winner.
A nod from Itchie on draft day is equivalent to taking a mouth full of
steroids. Griffey, Floyd, Burrell, Drew and Glaus have all hired new agents
in the expectation of a career year. Tell me it's not luck.
Senators:
Best Pick: Billy Wagner, the Phillies are going to win alot of
games this year.
Evidently Matsui looks to be the real deal.
Worst Pick: Shawn Green, he plays for the Dodgers, nuff said.
For someone who holds pitching in the same light as Viagra he sure drafted a
"limp staff". You would tell us if you were planning on moving Pujols to
catcher or third base wouldn't you?
Prediction: The bad news, Preston Wilson has bad knees, Chipper
Jones has no help, Shawn Green and Tim Salmon are washed up, he has no one
at third base, Holliday and Ortiz are coming off of career years. The good
news, he should be able to spend a lot of time with Joe's baseball team,
cause there's no one to watch on the Senators. A dogfight for 5th place
with the Reds.
Cubs:
Best Pick: Rounds 1, 2 and 3. Not because they are pitchers, but
because of the pitchers they are. Martinez, Hudson and Mussina are solid,
solid and solid.
Worst Pick: Robb Nen, he's done. But he drafted him in the 18th so
no harm really.
Prediction: 1st or 2nd. Shamu is only a midseason trade away from
getting the asterisk off his name. Give me call Chuck, if you're going to
talk the talk, then walk the walk, don't pee your pants like Mitch. Expect
the trade to be rubber stamped, signed, sealed and delivered in a New York
minute. I don't have the time to ponder the what If's of life.
Chiefs:
Best Pick: Ordonez in the 3rd and Milton in the 13th. Doubling
up on Right Field with Guerrero was a nice choice and Milton is going to
have a great year with the Phillies.
Worst Pick: Millwood is not 4th round material. I'm guessing he
had someone else in mind but got the rug pulled out from under him and
selected Millwood as a safety valve. There's a lot of if's on the pitching
staff. One thing is for certain, Benson will be out of baseball after this
year. I had that bag of excuses last year and he could barely stay afloat
on the Pirates staff. The Pirates staff!! I'm also curious as to why you
wanted Juan Encarnacion so badly?
Prediction: Not great hitters and not great pitching. Good
hitters and good pitchers. The Chiefs have a nice balance, but teams like
this bore the hell out of me.
3rd Place.
Wahoos:
Best Pick: Nathan in the 9th. Closer points out of your middle
reliever is always good. Clement in the 12th round, he's either going to
break out or break down this year.
Teixeira is a nice backup.
Worst Pick: Waiting too long to come up with a shortstop and
third baseman. That is an awful ugly left side of the infield.
Prediction: Ted puts in a lot of time studying his draft picks
between rounds, an awful, awful, awful lot of time. I'm not sure that's
always good. Middle of the road hitters, middle of the road pitching,
middle of the road team, 6th or 7th place. Of course the Itchie theory
comes into play here also, he might be able to snivel up the 5th.
Bombers:
Best Pick: Randy Wolf in the 8th round, could be the best Philly
pitcher.
Worst Pick: I have to agree, Loaiza in the 5th was way too early.
Prediction: If Loaiza and Maddux have good years, Mouse could be
looking at 4th or better. Every year Mouse comes more prepared than the
last. His team reminds me of Possums, but he's got better hitters. His
Yankee allegiance will also come into play. It's easy to slap a Yankee hat
on and ride the bandwagon of Daddy Big Bucks, that's why the Bombers are
always susceptible to injuries, life has a way of making things even out.
Redbirds:
Best Pick: Oswalt in the 2nd, he could be set for a monster year,
even though he looks like Niles Crane. Weaver and Lawrence with his 27th
and 28th picks will probably pay off.
Worst Pick: Hawkins in the 9th and Crosby in the 12th, way too
early. Did you and Ted have a C note bet on who could come up with the
worst left side of the infield?
You're serious about those bets, aren't ya?
Prediction: Sorry Jim, I just don't like your team. You had
better subscribe to the Giants cable network, because after Barry there's
not much to watch. 11th Place.
Irates:
Best Pick: Roberto Alomar in the 15th could make us look
foolish. Brad Penny in the 17th round.
Worst Pick: Damaso Marte in the 6th round. Why would you waste a
6th round pick on an Indy car driver?
Prediction: 13th place if we had one.
Tribe:
Best Pick: Cory Patterson in the 7th, he'll be the second leading
Centerfielder if he stays healthy. Aubrey Huff in the 4th, sure I could
have waited until the 7th or 8th round but he wouldn't have been there, then
I would have had to settle for.....let's see.... Shawn Green. Yeah, that's
who I really wanted.
Worst Pick: Pettitte in the 6th round. Why, O Why, would I waste a
6th round pick on a pitcher?
Prediction: It took everything I had to keep my team in 10th place
last year, this year it should be easier. 10th place again. The season was
only 3 days old and I lost 5 starters to the DL. Steven Spielberg is going
to produce a documentary on my team for HBO next month called "Band Of
Pussies" starring Matt Lecroy who plays that demanding position of DH. He
lasted all of 10 swings before going on the DL. Now, I'm sure Matt was
planning on playing 10 maybe even 12 games before succumbing to a season
ending injury. We just don't know what it's like to go through a grueling 3
game season. Thanks anyway Matt, thanks again for the 10 swings.
Blues:
Best pick: Derrick Lee in the 8th, expect a great year.
Worst pick: Mike Lowell in the 7th (See Reds)
Prediction: McBlunder has a pitching staff I could be proud of.
Gene Mauch once said "All pitchers are good for is to initiate action."
Well, Stretch your pitchers are going to initiate A LOT of action. I love
having Stretch draft in front or behind me, we're never on the same wave
length, so we never steal any of each others players. 9th Place.
Tigers:
Best Pick: Freddy Garcia in the 11th, he could be much better
than that.
Worst Pick: When you draft last, there's no such thing as a bad
pick. I wanted to say Javy Lopez because looking at his past 5 year home
run totals of 11, 24, 17, 11 and 43, one doesn't belong. But he's still
yanking it out of the yard. He must have gotten his wife to pee in the cup
for him at the drug test.
Prediction: Magpie dissing you last year must have worked; this
will be the most improved team from last year. If Johnson is good to go and
Kevin Brown pitches like last year, a run at 3rd or 4th is not out of the
question. Nice job Big Guy.
I might not know much about baseball, But I did stay at a Holiday Inn
Express last night so don't completely discount these predictions.
I wish I was going to San Diego this year with you guys, but it just
didn't work out for this year. Especially since last year's trip to Cincy
was such a disappointment. Not the camaraderie which is always great but
the stadium itself. I don't know which is worse, Montreal being memorably
bad or Cincy being forgettably boring. I will always remember Montreal for
being dark, dank and abandoned. But I have a feeling I won't remember Cincy
at all. Cincinnati's downtown has a great skyline and it's situated on the
Ohio River, unfortunately they incorporate neither in the design of the
stadium. Every city is known for some kind of regional food, Philly, the
cheese steak sandwich, Chicago, the pizza, Milwaukee the brats, etc, etc.
I'm not sure what it is in Cincy, but obviously it's not hamburgers, I had a
hell of a time finding one. This porta-potty of a stadium could have been
airlifted in from anywhere. You only build a stadium every 25 to 30 years
and there's no excuse for building one so utterly boring. I hope you guys
have a better experience at Petco.
So Let's recap. Pfizer is jacking me for $100 a month for my Lipator, a
good friend is giving me salty, greasy food for FREE, I would rather give my
cat a bath than draft a pitcher early and I just drafted my 19 consecutive
shitty team. LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!
Hey, Dave just drove by with his head planted in the middle of his
steering wheel and the horn blaring, with Tim Salmon and Shawn Green on his
team maybe we should just let him sleep.
Dumb and getting dumber
P.S. Denny says Hey!
EDITOR'S COMMENTS
* Itchie isn't merely the luckiest man alive, he is the luckiest
organism, alive or dead, in all of eternity.
* But I'm sure that Adrian Beltre will still be batting .600 at the
All-Star break.
* Mouse's cursed Bombers couldn't muster a single Q6 start during Week
1, and his staff was sporting a painful team ERA of 5.79 through the first
week.
* I am afraid that the Skipper is in the lead for Mismanager of the
Year, based upon maneuvers occurring post-Draft. If anyone has botched
up their Majors vs. Minors placements worse than me during the first week, I
will need to see proof. Owing to the magnificent bench-warming
performances of Tom Glavine, Danny Graves, Jason Johnson (just Opening Day,
mind you) and others, it is quite possible that my Minor Leaguers have more
points than the entire Bronx Bombers team at this point. Ouch.
* It's rough seeing my championship-caliber team off to such a slow
start, and already being beset by unfair injury problems. But tell you
what, it sure beats the heck out of the off-season.
Better luck to all of us save one during Week 2. As for the Skipjacks,
their luck couldn't get any better.
Skipper |
