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Many of you (okay, all of you) probably noticed that I had Roy Halladay in my minors for his 2-hit shutout on Sunday, a 40-point outing for our leading pitcher point-getter.  Why?  I’ll tell you why.  Some idiot at Stats Inc. posted a message on my Senators message board that indicated that Halladay was going to miss a start because he tweaked his oblique muscle.  Since when does “miss a start” mean pushing him back two days for his next start?  Thanks.  Thanks a lot.  Coupled with Stats’ decision to put Roy Boy in my minor league for the start of the season (even though I drafted him in the sixth round), and even though he was slated to be Toronto’s opening day starter, the scallywags at Stats Inc. have now cost me a total of almost 70 points on Roy this season.  How much is Itchie paying those guys anyway?

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And as long as we’re in the “who outsmarted who” department, I should share with you my brilliant decision to first demote Kevin Brown, and then to promote him.  Last week, with an upcoming game against the Detroit Tigers, I demoted Kevvie as part of my master plan to sneak in a few extra starts from my other starting pitchers, using the well-recognized Pirnie doctrine.  Naturally, Brown pitches a nice game against the Tigers, and I lose out on something like 17 positive points.  I can’t remember for sure, but whomever I promoted at Brown’s expense probably got roughed up, given the natural course of events.  Then, with the hapless Kansas City Royals coming up as an opponent, I promoted Brownie to get him back in the starting lineup, and as Paul Harvey would say, “You know the rest of the story.”  I caught the first inning of Brown’s performance against the Royals while working out at the health club, and saw that he was being clocked at 96 mph, and that he struck out the side in the bottom of the Royals’ 1st, so I patted myself on the back for my managerial shrewdness, salivating over the prospect that Brown would likely be getting bonus points for striking out at least 15 Royals.  When I checked the box score later that night to determine the amount of my lucre, I found that the heretofore rudderless Royals, now motivated to win new manager Buddy Bell’s first game, had come to life against Brown and sent him to yet another loss. 

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As you all are acutely aware, A-Rod has taken over the lead in the MVP race, blowing past Brian Roberts like Shamu on the way to the front of the Valentino’s all-you-can-eat buffet.  Somebody please remind me why the first five pickers in this year’s Draft took someone other than A-Rod.  Until proven otherwise, A-Rod should always be the first pick in the Draft.  End of story. 

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Roger Clemens has got to be the best 3-and-3 pitcher in major league history.  And the Astros have to have one of the most anemic offenses in big league annals. 

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The pending trade between Shamu and Magpie (Dusty Hermanson for Chris Capuano) can only mean one thing:  these two boys need a hobby.  If you are analyzing either side of that trade, actually spending real time out of your life proposing it or scrutinizing it from the other end, then you need to get a life.  These two are ideal candidates for a boxed gift set of DVDs with the entire Dukes of Hazzard TV series contained thereon.  Yowza. 

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As you were.