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There will be no statistics or reversion to the mean
stories in the Bellyflop, I don’t believe in it. It’s nice to have
statistics to fall back on to try and justify the aberrations of the season,
but just as there is no way to tell when a player is going to have a career
year, there is also no way to tell when he will have an off year. Luck, is
like Keyser Soze, just when you think you have it all figured out, Poof!
It’s gone. It’s just that simple. Because, at the end of the day,
everything else is just a lot of yadda, yadda, yadda and what not. I mean
it, I’m serious, I really am.
I realize the consequence of this statement and the fact that we are in for
a doozy of a lesson in Possumetrics next week, so be prepared. I’m hoping
my Adult Attention Deficit will kick in and leave me with my theories,
hunches and myths intact. However warped they may be.
I don’t have any many observations on baseball to share with you, but I do
have some observations on life to share, after all, along with baseball,
observations are the beauty of life. If we all thought the same way, we
would all be driving Pacers and liking it. I feel you can learn more in one
hour at the mall at Christmas time watching people, than you can in a week
at a library. Unfortunately my paycheck doesn’t reflect that “wisdom”. I
have a friend who is convinced that 70% of the people you drive past on the
way to work, even though they look normal, drive a normal car, dress normal,
don’t have clue and it’s a miracle in itself that they can find their way to
work. I agree with this whole heartedly, even though I’m probably part of
the 70%, 50% of the time. You can quote me on that if you want, Yogi.
It’s amazing how comfortable I have become in my current position. That
same relentless drive, determination and desire to succeed that landed me in
the T-shirt business has carried over nicely to my hobby of baseball. Just
like you don’t see too many human interest stories on last place finishers,
you won’t see one here either.
I thought it would be interesting to delve a little further into
the workings of our own Stretch McBlunder and find out what makes this
modern day George Wilson tick. Does he really have 5 Keep off the Grass
signs in his front yard? Does he really have plastic covers over his couch
and chairs? Does he really turn off all the lights and put the lawn
sprinkler on his front door on Halloween? Well, I contacted Martha, er.. I
mean Teresa and had her fax me a copy of his résumé and I think you all will
be surprised at just how well-rounded and worldly our Stretch is.
Jon Blongewicz
9516 W. 115th St
Overland Park, Ks
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Objective: |
To use my world experiences and “kick ass” personality in a friendly
team atmosphere. |
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Education: |
Council Bluffs City College Night Classes:
1980-1981 |
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Majored in Technical Fusion Speculation for Quasar |
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Proton Particle Beam Research. |
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Minor in Broadcasting |
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Completed 2 week course in magazine sales at the 72nd St
Holiday Inn.
(Received special citation for perfect attendance). |
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Experience: |
Radio personality for “Good Morning Nairobi” Nairobi Kenya, May 1982 to
June 1982. |
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Reason for Leaving: |
Inadvertently caused civil war between tribal factions when “Shrunken
Head Night” promotion at the ballpark went terribly wrong. |
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Experience: |
Wok Refurbisher and Monkey Vendor Trainer:
Seoul Korea, July 1982- 1989 |
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Reason for Leaving: |
Altercation with owner’s wife and monkey. Lawsuit still pending. |
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Experience: |
Palm Reader for Carnival Cruise Lines.
1990-1991 |
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Reason for Leaving: |
Office was located on the Lido deck next to the game room. Kids kept
coming over and making fun of my costume, this was especially hurtful
because my Mom spent a lot of time making my cape. |
You know, I wouldn’t hesitate to hire this guy. Anyone who has
the moxy to mix it up with the owner’s wife and a monkey definitely has his
MoJo going.
To stave off boredom at work the other day I posed this question
to all the employees at Art F/X. Who was the last of these four to be seen
in public or anywhere else for that matter? Big Foot, DB Cooper, Amelia
Earhardt or Scott? I only received 4 replies back, but the winner is… DB
Cooper with 2 votes. One of the girls thought she saw Big Foot at the trash
dumpster but it was dark and raining, and someone wrote in the Unknown Comic
from the Gong Show. All kidding aside, Scott is doing fine. His fingernails
are just over 8 inches long with a nice curl on the tips, he’s got a salt
and pepper beard that’s down to his navel and he calls Beth, Eva Gardner. (I
think that’s kind of cute). Just don’t try to shake hands with him; he’s a
little touchy about that.
Did you know that Melvin Mora hits 70 points higher on the road
then at home? He is the father of quintuplets. The poor guy just needs a
little rest.
Who has the longest neck? Louis Gonzalez or Eric Chavez?
BJ Surhoff’s head looks like it’s 4 inches wide and a foot long.
Ala Fred Gywnn.
Baseball players have to be the worst conditioned athletes in
all of sports. I can’t believe the number of injuries this year. I watched
Armando Benitez get hurt on Sportcenter, it was like watching your dad
trying to cover first and this was before he got hurt. He pulled two
hamstring muscles competently OFF, like a leper for cryn’ out loud.
Why do they make garage brooms in 2 pieces? The son of a bitch
unscrews itself every 2 feet. What’s up with that? The same thing with
fireplace utensils, are you suppose to weld the handles on when you get them
home?
Big Guy strikes me as so conservative that he probably wears
button down pajama tops and he actually buttons the top button.
Since Bush threw a monkey wrench into the bankruptcy laws I’ve
been forced to re-think my long range financial plans. I have a part-time
job cleaning a business at night. I think everyone should experience that
at some point in their life. I’ve even started tucking my pants into my
boots and walking with a pronounced stoop and taking elongated strides with
a keyring full of hundreds of keys that apparently fit nothing. I’ve also
seen things in the women’s restroom that I’m not sure I can even discuss in
this forum. Just so you don’t make the same mistake, Comet doesn’t work on
windows. No siree.
I imagine Chuck starts the Friday countdown right after lunch on
Monday and works on a strictly “need to know” basis. If he doesn’t need to
know it, he doesn’t want to know it. It’s not too late to start an
insurance union; in fact, I would be honored to share a featherbed with you.
Ted’s “I’ll be the leaving the gun and taking the cannoli” was
the best line I’ve heard in years.
There is a guy who hawks TV ads for the Minnesota Art School;
you know the one where you draw Bambi’s head or a hot rod? Well, he’s a
dead ringer for Mouse. I even have my VCR on standby just waiting for it to
come on so I can record it.
So what’s next for Barry Bonds? Here is guy with the social
graces of a bear at the dump and the likeability of an English soccer
hooligan. Barry, your 15 minutes are up.
If a doctor tells you you only have a month to live, put Phantom
of the Opera or Moulin Rouge in the DVD player. After 5 minutes you’ll be
asking God what’s the hold up.
Who does ESPN’s Shelly Smith’s make up? She looks like she puts
it on with a dirt clod. Maybe she does it on purpose, maybe her little
soirée with Curby soured her on men completely. Anyway a little comet
couldn’t hurt.
Underbelly’s life tip
We’re downsizing at the Hurlbut estate this year, there is only
one kid left and we have way too much stuff. Something had to go, so I
started sifting through my expansive tool collection; a hammer, a utility
knife that won’t retract or at least I can’t figure out how to retract it, a
100 year old saw, a metric Allen wrench set which I’ve never used and a
drill kit with 2 batteries and 200 bazaar looking bits that look like they
came right out of the Little Shop of Horrors dentist office. I consider
myself a spontaneous screwer. I don’t plan these projects in advance, they
just sort of pop up. Evidently these battery operated drills use the same
batteries that cell phones and camcorders use because there is virtually no
chance that the battery will be charged when I need it, so out it goes.
That leaves me with just one tool. My check book. When that pesky little
chore pops up, I just hit the hip. When in doubt, write it out.
I’m amazed at people who know how to work on things and I’m in
true awe of inventors. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be
transported back to caveman times knowing what you know now? I know for a
fact what my place would be in the hierarchy of the tribe. I would be the
tribe Bullshiter. Maybe, just maybe, given enough time I could come up with
the wheel, but the axel is out of the question. I’m sure after I regaled
them with wonderful stories of TV’s, telephones and camera’s someone would
call my bluff and tell me to invent one. It would be just my luck that my
checkbook didn’t make the trip.
Ted
“Boy, I say boy. Put the palm pilot down. You’re making more noise
than a skeleton dancing on a tin roof. You remind me of Paul Revere’s
ride, a little light in the belfry. It’s possible, I say it’s just
possible, that you’re team is just having an off year. Son, are you
listening to me? I’m not talking just to hear my head roar.”
Tell the truth, when you read the caption under the picture, you did it with
Foghorns voice, didn’t ya?
VAMANOS MUCHACHO’S
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