THE JIGGERNAUT
Ah yes, Me and Mrs. Jones…..we both badly want Andruw to keep his thing “going on” (not to mention Chipper and Todd). That’s right, the Skipjax have a Jones jones this year, and if the Mrs. Jones’ can keep the Jones’ Johnson’s Jumping, the Jax may be able to hold on by a thread to keep the Redbirds and hard charging Senators at bay.
This second and final version of the Jiggernaut arrives in your inbox “on time and under budget”, unlike some of the other publications that failed to materialize over the past couple of weeks. Really, what else in your life could take priority over the HSL?
However, I must say that it is with great trepidation that I write this piece, ever fearful of the dreaded “Bullpen jinx”. The timing of my assignment couldn’t be worse, with only nineteen games to play in the season, and the Skipjax showing signs of troubles eerily similar to those that befell the Mobile Sewage Treatment mobile’s axle on that fateful trip to Kansas City some years ago. I’m trying to steer clear of the ditch and that walk of shame into Mound City to see Elton, but things seem to be unraveling already as the jinx slowly takes effect. Specifically, the Jax started out on Monday with a blistering 9 points, while Chipper Jones left with a strained quad, Carlos Silva tore his meniscus, and Jake Peavy strained his shoulder just in time to be pushed back ten days. Apparently, Bonds also needs a day off after shouldering the taxing load of two consecutive games. My only hope is that completing my task within the established Bullpen Guidelines and Rules of Order will cull me some favor with the baseball gods, Max Patkin, the San Diego Chicken, or whoever is really in control of my fortune. After 17 years in the league, it’s about damn time the sun shone on me with some good luck.
Before I once again analyze your teams and what happened to you this year, I have a few other random thoughts that have crossed my mind:
RJ…where have you been all year? It frustrates the average fan to think you can turn on the switch down the stretch and deliver a one hit gem on command, when you’ve muddled around in mediocrity all year.
Mussina has once again failed to deliver on his potential. While he’s had a productive career, he’s never quite lived up to expectations and thus must be lumped in with the likes of Jay Buhner, Raul Mondesi, Barbaro Garbay, Darren Dreifort, and Clint Hurdle as Mr. Potential. Okay, he’s not that bad, but he has consistently disappointed.
Baseball fans are a forgiving lot, for the most part. Barry Bonds receives a thunderous ovation upon his return to the lineup, and Jason Giambi is once again a hero. I guess as long as you don’t specifically lie your ass off about using, you get a free pass. Long live BALCO.
I like the Wild Card races. While I am a firm believer that second place is first loser, these races add a good deal of excitement down the stretch, and the recent string of World Series Champs would indicate that these teams are not undeserving of their playoff berth. Skipper, if you don’t believe in second place finishes, why are you still making transactions in this league?
Every man must ask himself the critical questions in life….Mary Ann or Ginger? Paper or Plastic? Boxers or Briefs? Teixeira or Thome?
Bobby Cox is a phenomenal Manager that deserves all the credit he receives. His accomplishments over the last thirteen years really defy all logic or reversion to the mean theorems. The guy produces a winner every year.
Steve Finley might be the best centerfielder ever to play the game. Might be, might not be.
Huston Street has very quickly become one of the best closers in baseball. The rise to prominence of Street and Chad Cordero has come at mind boggling speed, as they virtually stepped off the mound from the CWS at Rosenblatt into star status at the major league level.
To keep tradition, I’ve taken one last look at your current rosters and penned my assessment of where things fell into place, and where things went horribly wrong. Here is my take on good pick/bad pick, along with your rating on good fortune:
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Team |
Good Pick |
Lucky Pick |
Dumb Ass Pick |
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Skipjax |
A.Jones |
T.Jones |
B.Bonds |
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Redbirds |
C.Carpenter |
F. Lopez |
V. Castilla |
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Senators |
A.Pujols (duh) |
B. Clark |
E. Renteria |
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Reds |
B.Webb |
M,Ensberg |
R.Durham |
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Chiefs |
P.Martinez |
A.Small |
B. Wilkerson |
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Tigers |
A. Soriano |
J. Cantu |
J. Weaver |
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Wahoos |
M. Giles |
J. Francoeur |
J. Thome |
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Bombers |
R. Clemens |
D. Turnbow |
M. Mussina |
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Irates |
T. Glaus |
B. Roberts |
D. Erstad |
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Tribe |
C. Utley |
None |
M. Ordonez |
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Blues |
R. Harden |
B. Colon |
B. Colon |
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Cubs |
D. Willis |
D. Willis |
B. Williams |
Best of luck to each of you the rest of the way. If you don’t want your HSL championship paraphernalia to be Crimson Red or Hawkeye gold, root for the Skipjax. Really, I’ll only crow for a couple of months, and then I’ll revert to my usual humble self.
Scott, a couple of suggestions for you: Perhaps BT Venture Capital could fund the Skipjax transactions for the remainder of the year, or pay someone at Stats, Inc. to implant a software bug that would fractionalize the Redbirds point calculations. These are your best options for cashing in on the ten year bet with Tirebiter that expires at the end of this season. I know with the right amount of money, all things can be done. Help me out here…..scratch my back.
Last but not least, here are the Standings as of Sunday, 9/11, with 20 games to play:
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8635.3 |
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Redbirds |
8426.0 |
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Senators |
8112.0 |
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Chiefs |
7951.0 |
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Reds |
7942.0 |
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Tigers |
7782.5 |
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Bombers |
7772.5 |
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Wahoos |
7771.0 |
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Irates |
7673.0 |
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Blues |
7482.5 |
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Tribe |
7414.5 |
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Cubs |
7391.5 |
Chuck, you’re really not going to finish in last, are you?
Itchie
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** |
Many thanks to Itchie and his ghostwriter for getting this week’s Special Edition of The Jiggernaut in on time. How do I know that this wasn’t entirely Itchie’s work? While much of the publication bears Itchie’s trademark wisecracking and brown-nosing, there is no way that he learned the meaning of “trepidation” during his schoolboy days at Roncalli or during his matriculation at that higher institute of learning, Vatterott College. Kudos to either Anne or Aly for their fine work. |
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** |
While Itchie professes not to be the beneficiary of good fortune in his Hot Stove League participation, how else can he explain the replacement of his basement intramural athletics and pheasant shrine with four walls of four-leaf clovers, horseshoes and rabbit feet. Why has this ex-fisheater been seen every morning lighting candles and rubbing rosary beads at Our Lady of the Jones Boys’ Miracle Catholic Church? According to Father Paddy Legerdemain, the head padre at Our Lady, Itchie hadn’t been seen around those parts since, well, the last two weeks of the 2004 HSL season. |
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** |
Yeah, Itchie, Mussina has been a huge disappointment in his career. He’s only won 223 games. Get some baseball knowledge, pally. |
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** |
Itchie’s comment about my selection of Edgar Renteria being my “dumb ass pick” may be flatly wrong, but after his 0-for-4, two-error performance on Tuesday night (negative 6 points), I’m willing to reconsider. Has anyone else ever had a position player moonwalk backwards more than 6 points in a single game? Ouch. |
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** |
I was willing to forgive and forget with Sammy Sosa about the steroid deal, but now that I know he stiffs his attorneys on their fees, I say throw him out of the game, toss him in debtor’s prison, and throw the key inside of a pizza pie to be delivered to Shamu’s house. It’s one thing to shoot yourself up silly with steroids to deceive a bunch of whining kids who adore you and jock-sniffing, autograph-seeking adult geeks who worship you, but it’s quite another to take bread off the table from your hard-working and remuneration-deserving legal team. Tying him to a lamppost on Bourbon Street during the next hurricane would be too good for him. |
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** |
Speaking of the Crescent City, I was pleased to see that a number of upstanding and selfless ATLA lawyers are already planning civil lawsuits against the owners of nursing homes, hospitals, FEMA, Mike Brown, President Bush and everyone else within reach by a federal or state subpoena. Although it is still unconfirmed at this point, rumor has it that our own tenacious ATLA litigator, McBlunder, Esq., has a team of law clerks furiously searching for legal precedent to bring the San Diego Chicken and possibly also the Phillie Phanatic into the litigation equation. Three cheers for our justice system! Now, don’t get mad, Stretch. I’M ONLY KIDDING! |
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** |
While Itchie decided to blast the Big Unit for saving his best for last, it should be pointed out to this uninformed individual that this big game player is 4-and-0 against the Red Sox this season while wearing Yankee pinstripes. Get your facts straight, wiseacre. |
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** |
With 2-1/2 weeks to go in the season, it is clear that either Itchie or Tirebiter will be our 2005 HSL Champion. So who to root for? Talk about your Hobson’s choices. Do we want Itchie to win his fifth HSL crown and to raise his level of insufferability to a new nadir? Or do we want a non-Nebraskan to deface the Cup by etching his name thereupon? And then there is B.T.’s ten-year bet with Jim Ed to throw into the mix. Tough call. |
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** |
One thing that has been very refreshing this season is the absence of the annual whining and crying about the dreaded point caps. So far, at least. Of course, if the Skipjacks lose their lead to the Redbirds and the championship solely because of the point caps limitations, you will soon hear more whining than at the Boca Raton Country Club. Gird yourself. |
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** |
High five to U-Bob for pacing the entire Bill James Fantasy Baseball organization in points after Monday night’s games, an event on a par with blue moons and orbiting porkers. It was short-lived, only one night, but how many of us can say that we have had our own names splashed across 10,000 computers? Not only that, but U-Bob’s surge may serve to keep him out of the basement at year’s end, possibly even allowing him to finish as high as 10th, an outcome of epic proportion which could trigger Shamu and Stretch’s suicide pact. |
The best of luck to all during the final fortnight of the season.
Skip
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1. |
Senators |
500.0 |
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2. |
Reds |
416.5 |
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3. |
Redbirds |
361.0 |
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4. |
Tribe |
343.5 |
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5. |
Chiefs |
332.0 |
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6. |
Bombers |
329.5 |
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7. |
Wahoos |
328.0 |
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8. |
Skipjacks |
317.0 |
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9. |
Irates |
316.0 |
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10. |
Cubs* |
305.5 |
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11. |
Blues |
297.0 |
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12. |
Tigers |
252.0 |
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HITTERS |
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1. |
Derrek Lee |
693.0 |
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2. |
Albert Pujols |
687.0 |
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3. |
Alex Rodriguez |
664.0 |
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4. |
David Ortiz |
626.0 |
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5. |
Mark Teixeira |
624.0 |
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6. |
Michael Young |
620.0 |
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7. |
Miguel Cabrera |
616.0 |
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8. |
Miguel Tejada |
593.0 |
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9. |
Brian Roberts |
591.0 |
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10. |
Jason Bay |
588.0 |
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11. |
Manny Ramirez |
580.0 |
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12. |
Alfonso Soriano |
574.0 |
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13. |
Jeff Kent |
571.0 |
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14. |
Bobby Abreu |
570.0 |
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15. |
Derek Jeter |
554.0 |
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PITCHERS |
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1. |
Chris Carpenter |
647.0 |
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2. |
Roger Clemens |
540.0 |
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3. |
Pedro Martinez |
530.0 |
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4. |
Dontrelle Willis |
509.0 |
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5. |
Chad Cordero |
508.0 |
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6. |
Andy Pettitte |
501.0 |
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7. |
Johan Santana |
499.0 |
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8. |
John Smoltz |
497.0 |
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9. |
Mariano Rivera |
496.0 |
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10. |
Roy Oswalt |
479.0 |
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11. |
Bartolo Colon |
477.0 |
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12. |
Jake Peavy |
467.0 |
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13. |
Carlos Zambrano |
457.0 |
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14. |
Joe Nathan |
456.0 |
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15. |
Todd Jones |
452.0 |
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