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PLAY
BALL!
Brethren:
Last
week’s
Draft
was
an
absolute
gas!
I
can’t
believe
how
much
fun
I
still
have
on
Draft
Day,
even
after
being
in
the
league
for
twenty-five
years.
Even
though
my
state
of
preparedness
this
year
was
as
suspect
as
ever,
the
sheer
anticipation
of
Draft
Day
and
the
excitement
of
watching
my
new
team
unfold
have
reached
new
heights.
Knowing
that
there
are
twelve
other
knuckleheads
out
there
who
enjoy
Draft
Day
and
the
dawn
of a
new
season
as
much
as I
do
makes
it
all
the
better.
Great
fun,
and
I
can
only
hope
for
twenty-five
more
years
of
great
days
like
last
Saturday.
HSL
2009
DRAFT
Thanks
again
to
all
of
you
for
participating
in
this
year’s
Draft
and
another
year
of
Hot
Stove
League
baseball,
and
special
thanks
to
B.T.
for
the
great
breakfast
eats,
to
Tirebiter
for
the
liquid
encouragement
and
the
post-Draft
janitorial
services,
to
Big
Guy
for
shouldering
the
Commissioner
duties
once
again,
to
McJester
for
donning
the
delightful
Renaissance
chapeau,
and
to
Linda
for
preparing
our
Draft
board,
Draft
sheets
and
providing
us
with
the
scrumptious
pies.
It
takes
a
village,
and
I
don’t
mean
a
village
of
idiots.
In
accordance
with
league
custom,
I
have
prepared
my
assessments
of
the
thirteen
teams
drafted
on
Draft
Day.
Parenthetically,
this
year’s
evaluation
of
the
thirteen
Hot
Stove
League
teams
was
more
difficult
than
ever,
presumably
because
each
of
you
grow
more
knowledgeable
about
how
to
draft
a
good
baseball
team
with
each
passing
season,
but
possibly
because
some
of
you
just
got
lucky.
To
give
all
of
you
the
benefit
of
the
doubt,
we’ll
go
with
the
ever-more-knowledgeable
explanation.
In
any
event,
it’s
always
more
fun
to
provide
my
assessments
when
one
or
more
of
you
have
absolutely
stubbed
your
toes
in
picking
your
teams,
but
both
on
Draft
Day
and
in
the
aftermath,
I am
convinced
that
this
year’s
thirteen
teams
are
more
balanced
and
competitive
than
ever
before.
Time
will
tell,
of
course,
but
I
venture
to
say
that
this
may
be
the
most
hotly-contested
campaign
ever.
Without
further
ado,
then,
let’s
get
to
what
you
all
have
been
waiting
for:
SKIPPER’S
PICS
‘N’
PANS
1.
The
Blues
(McJester)
OUR
FEARLESS
LEADER,
McJESTER
|
Sizzle: |
First sackers and center fielders rock. |
|
Fizzle: |
Middle infield woeful. |
|
Best Pick: |
Wang in Round 15 may prove to be a steal, although his first outing was a painful beatdown. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Holliday will wish he was on one instead of playing in spacious Oakland Mausoleum. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
Drafting 1st does have its advantages, as McJester was able to get Pujols and Sizemore 1-2. After that, McJester’s new skypiece must have gotten heavy and impeded his thought processes as the remainder of his draft was forgettable. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. |
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Skip Sez: |
Back-to-back for the Blues? Nope! The Blues sink to 7th place in 2009. |
2.
Millard
Monarchs
(Screech)
|
Sizzle: |
Infield is top drawer, with Berkman, Kendrick, Ramirez 1 and Ramirez 2 in the starter spots. |
|
Fizzle: |
Relief pitching will provide Screech with much gas but little relief. This putrid bunch will have Screech reaching for the smokes by mid-June. |
|
Best Pick: |
Scott Kazmir in the 7th looks like grand larceny. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Lance Berkman as the 15th pick overall was a serious blunder, especially coming off his career year. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
Screech picked a strong team, featuring an excellent infield and strong starting pitching. If they don’t finish in the money, he will regret waiting so long on his outfield and his corps of relievers. |
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Skip Sez: |
Screech drafted a team that both he and Skeezix can be proud of. 2009 will be the year that our little Jeffie gets his name inscribed on The Cup for perpetuity. This is your 2009 champion! |
3.
Highlanders
(Mr.
Pie)
|
Sizzle: |
With Ortiz, Uggla, Drew and Wright, this is a starting infield to rival any in the league. |
|
Fizzle: |
If Magpie’s relief quartet (Gregg, Qualls, Masterson and Saito) completely overachieve, they have a chance to be almost mediocre. |
|
Best Pick: |
If healthy, Ortiz in the 4th will have the rest of us scratching our heads as to why he lasted that long. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Once Manny starts being Manny again, Tricko will rue the day that he decided to take him in the 2nd Round, foregoing many other better choices. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
One should never sell Mr. Tricko short because he has proved us all wrong many times before, but this squad does not look like one that is destined to finish in the money. |
|
Skip Sez: |
Through adroit management and a little bit of luck, the 2009 Highlanders should finish in the Upper Division, but just barely. 5th place. |
4.
Cubs
(Shamu)
|
Sizzle: |
What’s not to like about the starting pitching on this club, with Santana 1, Dempster, Santana 2, Jimenez and Jurrjens. By the same token, what’s not to love about Shamu’s four-man relief corps, with Nathan, Ryan, Street and Hoffman. This team has pitching aplenty. |
|
Fizzle: |
The Cubs’ infield is average, at best, and the outfield is old and poised for frequent visits to the infirmary. |
|
Best Pick: |
If Trevor Hoffman is even a shadow of his former self, picking up this sure first-ballot Hall-of-Famer in the 20th was an incredible stroke of genius, or luck, take your pick. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Drafting only one outfielder in the first nine rounds will haunt Shamu more than a half-empty Valentino’s buffet. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
If pitching is everything, then Shamu is sitting fat in 2009. (No, sorry, it’s too easy.) If hitting is the name of the game, it may be a long year for Brother Shamu. |
|
Skip Sez: |
It’s all about hitting, Chuck! 9th place. |
5.
Chiefs
(B.T.)
|
Sizzle: |
Love the power-packed infield, which could yield 100-plus home runs just amongst the starters. |
|
Fizzle: |
Outfield could read outhouse. Unless Carlos Lee has a monster year, this OF will be one of the worst in the league. |
|
Best Pick: |
Either Soria in the 8th or Wainwright in the 9th. Both solid, relatively late picks. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Wasting a 1st Round pick on Cabrera. This palooka is an overpaid boil on Jim Leland’s butt. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
On paper, this team is one of B.T.’s most marginal in years. Next year he’d best bring Anna with him to the Draft as a consultant. |
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Skip Sez: |
Because he will manage this team 24/7 (and has the time to do so), the Chiefs will finish higher than might be expected based on the Opening Day roster. Skipper’s crystal ball says that they drop only one spot to: 6th place. |
6.
Wahoos
(Possum)
|
Sizzle: |
Haren and Beckett give the Wahoos one of the best 1-2 pitching punches in the league. |
|
Fizzle: |
Possum’s relief crew (Broxton, Marmol, Nunez and Perez) will lead the planet in self-ignited mound torchings. |
|
Best Pick: |
Beckett in the 4th may prove to be the pick of the Draft, if this talented hurler can stay healthy all season. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Taking Pedroia in the 2nd after his MVP season is just another sad case of a blinded Beantown crank lapping up his own Boston B.S. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
Painful though it is to admit, Possum has picked what appears to be a highly competitive team. |
|
Skip Sez: |
Barring some Underbellian Overmanagement, the ’09 Wahoos should cruise to the final money spot. Circle gets the square, and the Wahoos get: 3rd place. |
7.
Bears
(SloPay)
|
Sizzle: |
Starting pitching looks solid, maybe even superlative. |
|
Fizzle: |
Other than Ryan Howard at first base, the Bears infield might as well be dancing bears. |
|
Best Pick: |
The early money says Heath Bell in the 11th. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Three-way tie: Carlos Quentin in the 2nd, Chris Davis in the 3rd, and Chris Iannetta in the 7th. Each of these were about three rounds too early. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
You have to wonder about a team that has three guys named Carlos and three guys named Chris. SloPay’s Draft strategy is now quite apparent. |
|
Skip Sez: |
Looks like the Bears are due for a Reversion to the Mean. 12th place. |
8.
Skipjacks
(Itchie)
|
Sizzle: |
With Peavy, Hamels and Danks anchoring the pitching staff, this team’s starting rotation is its lone bright spot. |
|
Fizzle: |
The Jaxes’ middle infield is as thin as Big Johnny’s hairline. |
|
Best Pick: |
Adrian Gonzalez in the 4th. The man is a professional hitter. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Slurping down four Bloody Marys in the early going, and then turning over the drafting to Foster Thielen for Rounds 12 through 30. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
Much like his teenage son, this team makes no sense at all. |
|
Skip Sez: |
Looks like Itchie should stick to hawking Phillipino and Indian call services and outsource his Hot Stove League drafting to Jugdish or Mohammed. It’s always dicey to Joke the Joker, but Skipper believes this team is headed for Dead Last. |
9.
Bombers
(Mouse)
|
Sizzle: |
Outstanding infield with Teixeira, Cano, Hardy and Longoria, but great starting pitching also with Sabathia, Oswalt and Lowe. |
|
Fizzle: |
Outfield looks downright middling. |
|
Best Pick: |
Derek Lowe in the 9th is looking awfully shrewd. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Picking Johnny Damon as his starting left fielder shows that Mouse loves his Yankees just a little too much. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
There isn’t much not to like about this team. With any luck at all, Mouse will have these boys poised for a pennant race in September. |
|
Skip Sez: |
Barring criminal mismanagement, Mouse has picked a team that is a virtual lock to finish in the money. After battling Screech’s Brutish Butterflies for all the marbles, the Bombers come up just short and finish as Runner-Up. |
10.
Redbirds
(Tirebiter)
|
Sizzle: |
Incredible starting pitching with Burnett, Greinke, Carpenter, Floyd, Maholm and Volstad, topped only by his shortstop tandem of Reyes and Rollins. |
|
Fizzle: |
Severe power outage in the outfield, with the sextet unlikely to knock in 100 RBIs between them. |
|
Best Pick: |
Based on his first start for the Cardinals, it looks like Chris Carpenter in the 7th was Jim Ed’s savviest pick. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Making a mockery of our organization by drafting shortstops in Rounds 1 and 2. Grrrr. We’ll get you for that one, pallie. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
Our resident neo-fascist goose-stepped his way to an outstanding 2009 Draft, obviously aided by the lack (presumably) of any pre-Draft intoxicating liquors. |
|
Skip Sez: |
Look for Jimmy to make a serious title run in 2009 before coughing up the bit in September and finishing the 2009 season in 4th place. |
11.
Tribe
(Underbelly)
|
Sizzle: |
Competitive starting pitching with Hernandez, Harden, Vazquez and Young, a concept which was anathema to U-Bob in his less-seasoned days as an HSL pilot. |
|
Fizzle: |
With the exception of Markakis, a punchless outfield which will have Bob pulling at his remaining hair follicle by May Day. |
|
Best Pick: |
Youkie in the 2nd gets my vote. Although I didn’t realize until Draft Day that he is one of God’s Chosen People, this guy is a fierce competitor who should now be known as the “Hellbent Hebrew.” |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Drafting two persons named Ian for the same team. In fact, even one Ian is one too many for an American baseball team. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
The 2009 version of the Tribe is decidedly un-Tribish, with solid starting pitching and an obvious de-emphasis on sheer power and youthful fliers. |
|
Skip Sez: |
Bob’s Draft Day declaration that he is sick and tired of always finishing in 11th place does not fall upon deaf ears. This year: 10th place. |
12.
Senators
(Skipper)
|
Sizzle: |
Like their owner, the 2009 version of the Senators is distinguished by its incredibly strong core, with catcher Russell Martin, middle infield tandem Derek Jeter and Brandon Phillips, and center fielder Carlos Beltran providing the Senators with the greatest strength up the middle of any Hot Stove League team this year, maybe ever. |
|
Fizzle: |
The Senators could be just a bit light in the starting pitching department, but maybe I’m being too hard on myself. |
|
Best Pick: |
Many to choose from, but let’s go with J.J. Putz in the 19th. Like taking candy from a dumb baby. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Dice-K in the 8th might have been a serious brain fart. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much, of course, but with a little bit of luck, this team could definitely be in contention. |
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Skip Sez: |
It’s all about managing expectations. The 2009 Senators finish in 8th place.* |
*Not
really.
Probably
much
higher.
13.
Tigers
(Big
Guy)
|
Sizzle: |
The Tigers pitching staff is undoubtedly the “Best in Show.” But then, it should be, since Big Guy coughed up his 1st and 2nd Round picks to make sure of having a solid staff. |
|
Fizzle: |
The Tigers starting infield of Huff, Lopez, Peralta and Cantu might qualify for the MBI award (Most Boring Infield), and did I mention bad? |
|
Best Pick: |
If Matt Garza pitches as well this season as he did in the World Series, he was an absolute steal in the 14th Round. |
|
Biggest Gaffe: |
Drafting pitching in the first two rounds, instead of players that matter. |
|
Bullpen Blast: |
Despite his best intentions, Big Guy drafted a Tiger team this season that is a bit too long of tooth and a bunch too short on talent. If you are a betting man, you may bet the farm that we are not looking at a worst-to-first turnaround here. |
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Skip Sez: |
The 2009 Tigers are no threat to earn Big Guy’s first-ever championship in the Live Ball Era, but they do make modest improvement over 2008 with their 12th place finish. |
So
there
you
have
it,
gentlemen,
my
best
guess
at
where
all
of
you
might
finish
the
2009
campaign.
If
you
don’t
agree,
feel
free
to
tell
all
of
us
why
on
the
Message
Board.
OPENING
DAY
2009
Joe,
Will
and
I
had
a
great
time
up
at
the
Metrodome
on
our
2009
Opening
Day
trip,
our
seventh
consecutive
year
as
an
Opening
Day
trio.
Although
the
hometown
Twinkies
were
thrashed
by
the
visiting
Mariners
to
the
tune
of
6-1,
we
were
treated
to a
pitching
gem
by
Mariner
ace
Felix
Hernandez,
saw
career
home
run
No.
612
by
Junior
(Griffey)
in
his
reunion
debut
with
the
Mariners,
saw
a
fan
one
section
over
get
coldcocked
with
a
screaming
foul
ball
(and
helped
out
sporting
a
head
bandage
that
looked
to
be
field-applied
at
an
Appomattox
battlefield),
and
witnessed
a
comely
young
lady
one
section
over
in
the
other
direction
being
proposed
to
by
an
imposter
wearing
a
baseball
jersey
with
Joe
Mauer’s
name
on
it.
We
tried
to
warn
her
that
this
wasn’t
the
real
Joe
Mauer
but
a
look-alike
fraud,
but
she
would
have
none
of
it.
This
was
my
first
visit
to
the
Metrodome
since
about
1988
or
so,
on a
trip
with
One-Way
Tony
and
Big
Johnny
which
ended
badly
for
our
hero.
More
later
on
that,
if
you
have
the
stomach
for
it.
Anyway,
I
digress.
After
revisiting
the
Metrodome
on
Monday
night,
I
may
have
to
readjust
my
earlier
rankings
which
placed
the
Trop
at
the
very
bottom
of
the
ballpark
food
chain.
While
the
Trop
ain’t
pretty—a
serious
understatement—I
doubt
that
it
is
any
less
pretty
than
the
Metrodome,
and
at
least
it
is
located
in a
warm
weather
venue.
On
our
trip
we
had
a
chance
to
drive
past
the
new
Twins
home
ballpark
which
is
presently
under
construction,
reportedly
to
be
named
Target
Field.
Not
a
great
name,
to
be
sure,
but
it
beats
Wal-Mart
Stadium.
In
any
event,
it
looks
like
Target
Field
is
going
to
be
quite
unique
in
terms
of
its
exterior
composition.
While
the
Twins’
new
park
is
indeed
in
smack
downtown
Minneapolis,
it
looks
like
it
has
been
squeezed
in
amidst
a
spaghetti
works
of
interstate,
highways
and
tributaries,
and
so
time
will
tell
if
it
provides
us
with
the
cozy
downtown
feel
of a
Coors
Field
or
the
Ballpark
at
Camden
Yard,
to
list
a
couple
of
examples.
EPILOGUE
To
close
out
this
overdue
and
overdone
issue
of
From
the
Bullpen,
let
me
conclude
by
simply
saying:
Best
of
luck
to
all
in
2009.
Skipper
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THE DIRTY DOZEN
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MEN AT WORK
|
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JIMMY MAKES NO EXCUSES FOR RUBBERNECKING
OFF SCREECH’S DRAFT MASTER PLAN.
|
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SCREECH DIDN’T GET THE HIGHLIGHTER BAN MEMO.
|
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(THOUGHT BUBBLE: “HEE, HEE, HEE. THIS WILL FIT
NICELY INTO MY BACKPACK.)
|
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BOB PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON
ANOTHER BANNER TRIBE TEAM.
|
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SMILE IF YOU LOVE JESUS!
|
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BIG JOHNNY: “WHEN DID ERNIE WHITT RETIRE?”
|
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A STUNNED TIREBITER SEES SHAMU’S NEXT PICK.
|
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THE COMMISH
|
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BLUE COLLAR COMEDY?
|
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DUMB-DE-DUM DUM
|
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SOMEBODY SHUT THE BLINDS—THE GLARE IS RUINOUS!
|
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WE’RE WAITING, POSSUM.
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