2017 Season

Edition No. 27

August 31, 2017

 
 

 

’HOOS EXTEND LEAD;

BEAR TURDS SURGE;

CHIEFS AND TRIBE EN FUEGO

 

The Red-Hot Bear Turds (that just doesn’t sound good, does it?) are the story of Week 21, garnering a whopping 674.8 points to move up two positions to 4th, and threatening to vie for a money spot.  At the other end of the spectrum, the Blues could only muster up 401.3 points for the week, dropping one spot from 11th to 12th place as a consequence.  As to the leaderboard, the Wahoos and Redbirds both had low average weeks at 419.9 and 412.1, respectively, but remain firmly in control of 1st and 2nd places in the standings. 

 

STANDINGS THROUGH AUGUST 27, 2017, WEEK 21

1

Wahoos

   10582.9   

        -        

2

Redbirds

10332.3

250.6

3

Cubs

9756.2

826.7

4

Bear Turds     

9728.8

854.1

5

Chiefs

9698.3

884.6

6

Tigers

9555.9

1027.0

7

Bombers

9537.3

1045.6

8

Hot Mess

9490.8

1092.1

9

Monarchs

9440.5

1142.4

10

Tribe

9405.3

1177.6

11

DLs

9165.2

1417.7

12

Blues

9139.6

1443.3

13

Senators

8159.9

2423.0

 

 

WEEK 21 POINT TOTALS

 

1

Bear Turds     

   674.8   

   +2   

2

Chiefs

597.9

0

3

Tribe

579.1

0

4

Hot Mess

541.3

+1

5

Cubs

539.6

0

6

Bombers

486.7

0

7

Monarchs

463.6

-1

8

DLs

453.5

+1

9

Tigers

450.0

-2

10

Wahoos

419.9

0

11

Redbirds

412.1

0

12

Senators

407.5

0

13

Blues

401.3

-1

 

 

TOP 25 PITCHERS THRU WEEK 21

 

1   

Chris Sale

Redbirds

   716.0   

2

Max Scherzer

Wahoos

674.0

3

Corey Kluber

Chiefs

614.0

4

Clayton Kershaw

Blues

609.0

5

Gio González

Senators

592.0

6

Jacob deGrom

Cubs

579.0

7

Chris Archer

Bombers

573.0

8

Zack Greinke

Tigers

571.0

9

Luis Severino

Bear Turds     

541.0

10

Carlos Carrasco

Tribe

519.0

11

Ervin Santana

Tigers

513.0

12

Carlos Martínez

Wahoos

509.0

13

Jimmy Nelson

Wahoos

491.0

14

Alex Wood

Wahoos

487.5

15

Gerrit Cole

Bear Turds

482.0

16

Stephen Strasburg    

Cubs

478.0

17

Yu Darvish

Wahoos

473.0

18

Lance Lynn

Redbirds

472.0

19

Marcus Stroman

Redbirds

466.0

20

Jake Arrieta

Blues

463.0

20

Justin Verlander

Tigers

463.0

22

James Paxton

Tribe

457.0

23

Drew Pomeranz

Monarchs

442.0

24

Robbie Ray

Bombers

437.0

25

Patrick Corbin

Tribe

425.0

 

 

WHO’S HOT -- PITCHERS

 

1   

Patrick Corbin

Tribe

   71.0   

2

Masahiro Tanaka    

Hot Mess

61.0

2

Doug Fister

DLs

61.0

4

Kyle Gibson

Monarchs

60.0

4

Chris Archer

Bombers

60.0

6

Zach Davies

Monarchs

54.0

7

Tanner Roark

DLs

49.0

8

Dan Straily

Chiefs

48.0

8

Jon Gray

Chiefs

48.0

10

Chris Stratton

Bear Turds    

44.0

11

Gerrit Cole

Bear Turds

43.0

12

Taijuan Walker

Bear Turds

42.0

13

Luke Weaver

Bear Turds

40.0

14

Carlos Carrasco

Tribe

39.0

14

Wade Miley

Bombers

39.0

16

Jacob deGrom

Cubs

38.0

16

Lucas Giolito

Chiefs

38.0

18

Rich Hill

Cubs

37.0

18

Mike Clevinger

DLs

37.0

20

Jimmy Nelson

Wahoos

36.0

20

Sonny Gray

Hot Mess

36.0

20

Mark Leiter Jr.

Chiefs

36.0

23

Kevin Gausman

Redbirds

34.0

24

Jharel Cotton

Blues

33.0

24

Kenta Maeda

Hot Mess

33.0

 

 

WHO’S NOT -- PITCHERS

 

1   

Chris Sale

Redbirds

   -13.0   

2

Matthew Boyd

DLs

-12.0

3

Rick Porcello

Senators

-9.0

4

Michael Wacha

Redbirds

-8.0

5

José Quintana

Wahoos

-5.0

6

Ivan Nova

DLs

-4.0

7

Ubaldo Jiménez

Bombers

-3.0

7

A.J. Griffin

Bombers

-3.0

7

Chad Kuhl

Chiefs

-3.0

7

Jhoulys Chacin

Cubs

-3.0

11

Chad Bettis

Bombers

-2.0

11

Austin Pruitt

Senators

-2.0

13

Rafael Montero    

DLs

-1.0

13

Aaron Nola

Monarchs    

-1.0

13

Jason Vargas

Blues

-1.0

13

Travis Wood

Cubs

-1.0

 

 

TOP 25 HITTERS THRU WEEK 21

 

1   

Charlie Blackmon

Wahoos

   660.9   

2

Giancarlo Stanton

Bear Turds    

654.4

3

Paul Goldschmidt

Monarchs

648.6

4

Joey Votto

Tigers

645.2

5

José Altuve

Redbirds

598.7

6

Aaron Judge

Hot Mess

590.4

7

Nolan Arenado

Tigers

588.6

8

Anthony Rizzo

Tribe

559.9

9

Bryce Harper

Monarchs

546.3

10

Marcell Ozuna

Tribe

536.7

11

Jonathan Schoop

DLs

527.0

12

Kris Bryant

Wahoos

518.6

13

Nelson Cruz

Blues

509.5

14

Justin Smoak

Bombers

508.4

15

Anthony Rendon

Chiefs

505.3

16

Jake Lamb

Wahoos

497.8

17

Justin Upton

Bombers

497.7

18

Eric Hosmer

Blues

496.1

19

Daniel Murphy

Redbirds

492.7

20

Brian Dozier

Senators

492.0

21

José Abreu

Bombers

489.4

22

Eugenio Suárez

Tribe

488.2

23

George Springer

Blues

485.9

24

Corey Seager

DLs

483.7

25

Edwin Encarnación    

Hot Mess

477.4

 

 

WHO’S HOT -- HITTERS

 

1   

Giancarlo Stanton

Bear Turds   

   64.0   

2

Rhys Hoskins

Bear Turds

61.7

3

Byron Buxton

Tigers

54.5

4

Jorge Polanco

Tribe

52.7

5

Marcell Ozuna

Tribe

51.0

6

Anthony Rizzo

Tribe

47.1

7

Francisco Lindor

Cubs

46.9

8

Gary Sánchez

Bear Turds

45.0

9

Christian Yelich

Blues

43.0

10

Corey Dickerson

Redbirds

42.0

11

Adrián Béltre

Cubs

41.4

12

Trey Mancini

Cubs

40.5

13

Eugenio Suárez

Tribe

39.3

14

Yasiel Puig

Redbirds

38.5

15

César Hernández

Hot Mess

37.8

16

Paul Goldschmidt     

Monarchs

36.4

17

J.D. Martinez

Chiefs

34.0

18

Kolten Wong

Tribe

33.4

19

Nick Williams

Bear Turds

32.0

20

Xander Bogaerts

Bear Turds

31.9

21

Brian Dozier

Senators

30.8

22

Kevin Kiermaier

Cubs

30.6

22

Avisaíl García

Bear Turds

30.6

24

Adam Jones

Chiefs

30.5

25

Charlie Blackmon

Wahoos

30.0

 

 

WHO’S NOT -- HITTERS

 

1   

Rougned Odor

Monarchs

   -5.5   

2

Ryan Braun

Cubs

-5.0

3

Keon Broxton

Monarchs

-4.0

4

Jean Segura

Redbirds

-2.5

5

Evan Gattis

Blues

-1.5

5

Jorge Bonifacio

Blues

-1.5

7

Mitch Haniger

Bear Turds    

-1.4

8

Jonathan Villar

Senators

-0.3

8

Mike Moustakas    

Bombers

-0.3

10

Eric Thames

Monarchs

-0.2

 

Commentary:  It’s not difficult to see why the Bear Turds had such a monster week, as Slopay’s hitters occupied six of the top 25 spots on the Who’s Hot list, led by Giancarlo Stanton with 64.0 points; and then that one dude named Rhys Hoskins had 61.7; then Gary Sanchez with 45.0; Nick Williams with 32.0; Xander Bogaerts with 31.9; and Avisail Garcia with 30.6 points.  Then, if we look at the Who’s Hot Pitchers list, Denny had four pitchers, all nestled together in the 10th through 13th spots, with Chris Stratton (who?) at 44.0, Gerrit Cole at 43.0, Taijuan Walker at 42.0, and Luke Weaver at 40.0.  Congratulations to Slopay for an incredible Week 21.  Top drawer, old chap.

 

 

SAME TIME, LAST YEAR

 

Through 21 weeks of the 2016 Hot Stove League season, the standings looked like this: 

 

 

 

 

Points

Behind

Position

Change

1      

Wahoos

   10429.8   

-

0

2

Cubs

10247.3

182.5

+1

3

Tigers

10236.4

193.4

-1

4

Bums

9951.8

478.0

0

5

Chiefs

9788.5

641.3

0

6

Skipjacks

9634.7

795.1

+2

7

Bombers

9617.8

812.0

0

8

Blues

9496.5

933.3

-2

9

Monarchs      

9266.6

   1163.2   

0

10

Bears

9201.0

1228.8

0

11

Tribe

9119.6

1310.2

0

12

Senators

9003.0

1426.8

0

13

Redbirds

8979.8

1450.0

0

 

Note that last year the Redbirds were in the cellar with but 8979.8 points, compared to their current 2nd-place standing with 10,332.3 points.  What a difference a year makes, eh, Jimmy?

 

 

CROSSING COLORADO

 

As BT and I were catching up on our respective lives at lunch last week, he reported enthusiastically on his recent three-week roundabout to the East Coast.  First, he drove to Beantown and met Beth and Anna there, where they spent a week doing Bostonian things as Anna’s high school graduation present; and from there BT and Beth went on to Martha’s Vineyard, as I understand it, for another week of R&R; following which Beth flew back, and BT drove back to Nebraska.  All in all, three full weeks on the road for our No-Fly Zone brother in the bonds.

 

BT explained that he is now actually ready to take back to one of the big silver birds in the sky for a trip to Arizona, and so he is no longer strictly in the No-Fly Zone, not to be confused with the DMZ.  However, he went on to elaborate that he just loves driving, especially by himself, where he is free of phone calls, emails, texts, tweets and other distractions to his inner Yin and Yang, but also because he genuinely loves going anyplace that he hasn’t been before.  True that.  I also love to see new sights.

 

Thusly inspired, I decided to head out to Colorado a day early--I had a meeting with a physician client in Steamboat Springs on my schedule for this Tuesday, and could have made it a one-day trip--to seize the opportunity for a drive from Denver all the way across Colorado to Grand Junction at the western edge of the state.  And instead of taking the interstate, I opted for the highway route, first meandering through the foothills south of Denver until reaching Highway 285, and then taking 285 through Fairplay and on to Buena Vista, and then to Poncha Springs, where it meets up with Highway 50 and leads one west through mountains and valleys of incredible splendor. 

 

 

My Denver-area rental car barely had enough get-up-and-go to make it all the way up to Monarch Pass, but as I made the drive past the Monarch ski resort, I was reminded of my very first snow skiing trip in 12th grade with a group called Young Life, which brought back memories of Larry Larson falling off the T-bar lift and getting stuck in about 8 feet of snow, and Mark Brown falling off the chair lift that he was occupying with me, knocking off one of my two skis and leaving me with a true dilemma at the end of the lift:  Would the operator shut off the lift for me to be able to exit the chair with even a shred of dignity, or would I have to tuck and roll and land awkwardly in the snow to the great amusement of many more-seasoned skiers/onlookers?  Well of course, it was the latter.

 

But I digress.  I am fairly certain that this was my first time back to or near the Monarch ski resort and Monarch Pass since the Young Life trip in 1975, some 42 years ago, and I am a little surprised and fairly pleased about how much I remember of that amazing first skiing experience.  I guess the old memory banks weren’t nearly as clogged at age 18 back then, so the memories stuck pretty well.  These days, not so much.

 

Continuing westward on Highway 50, after cresting Monarch Pass there is a seven-mile drop in elevation that would make the Flying Wallendas shudder with fear, and you couldn’t pay me enough to be a semi-truck driver making that drive, but my Nissan rental negotiated it just fine. 

 

 

It was a gorgeous drive all the way into Gunnison, a first visit for me, and if this beautiful mountain town wasn’t blanketed in snow at least six months out of the year, it would probably be a pretty cool place to live.

 

Heading west from Gunnison, Highway 50 takes you past and over the beautiful Blue Mesa Reservoir and through the ruggedly beautiful Curecanti National Recreation Area. 

 

 

Blue Mesa Reservoir near Gunnison

 

As I continued west toward Montrose, I saw the sign for the Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, of which I had never even heard before, but drove past.  Then, with an old tune from Seals and Crofts [F1] in my head, I did a U-turn about a mile and a half past the turnoff and made my way back to the highway which leads to Black Canyon.  I drove the five miles to the park and paid the 15 bucks to visit this national treasure.  Created more than two million years ago by the incessant pounding of the Gunnison River, Black Canyon is visually impressive with its terrifyingly steep canyon walls and jagged rock formations throughout. 

 

 

Black Canyon

 

Jagged rock formations

 

Not unlike the Grand Canyon, it’s best not to venture too close to the Black Canyon rim unless you are part Navaho and have no fear of open heights.  I’m not and I do, so I kept a mature distance between my feet and the edge of the canyon walls, but still had some amazing views of this awesome creation of our Creator.

 

 

 

Keeping my distance from the edge

 

After everything was said and done, I was quite glad I turned around and paid a visit to Black Canyon of the Gunnison.  I am unlikely to be around for 42 more years to see if I remember it in 2059, but the memory is certain to stay affixed to some section of gray matter for a good little while.  If you’re ever in the neighborhood, I wholeheartedly recommend taking the five-mile diversion from Highway 50. 

 

 

MONTROSE-ITY

 

 

 

After getting back on Highway 50, it only took a few minutes to get to Montrose, Colorado, which I learned bills itself rather presumptively as the “Black Canyon City.”  A bit of a stretch, perhaps, but it was obvious from the drive through Montrose that they need all of the tourism help that they can get.  Montrose is not a pretty town, and it is about as unattractive as Gunnison is attractive, as communities go.  Unless they are from there, I seriously doubt that the band Montrose named itself after this crummy little town.

 

 

SUPLIZIO FIELD: 

HOME OF THE GRAND JUNCTION ROCKIES

 

Once arriving in Grand Junction, I made my way over to Suplizio Field to catch a Pioneer (Rookie) League game between the Grand Junction Rockies and the Orem Owlz, an affiliate of the Los Angeles Angels.  On a warm and clear late summer night in God’s country, I was treated to a 7-3 win by the Rockies amidst a small [F2] but enthusiastic crowd of Rockies faithful.  The play in the field was a bit spotty [F3], which should not be surprising since these players are in fact all rookies, most of them in their very first year of professional ball.  The oldest kid on either team was born in September of 1993, making him at the age of 23 years and 11 months, the “senior” player on the field.  Grand Junction has one player who just turned 18 in May of this year, a Venezuelan by the name of Jeffri Ocando, who the Rockies signed in 2016 and who is a product of their development program in the Dominican Republic.  The Owlz have an 18-year-old player by the name of Jordan Adell on their roster, a first round draft pick out of Louisville, Kentucky who appears bound for big things. 

 

I did not recognize any names on either roster, players or coaches, but I did see that a former pitcher for Creighton University, Keith Rogalla of Oak Park, Illinois, a 12th round draft pick last year, is on the Orem Owlz roster.

 

The manager of the visiting Owlz is Tom Nieto, whose name sounded vaguely familiar to me, but I could not place him, so I looked him up on my Magic Rectangle [F4].  Turns out Nieto is a former Major Leaguer, having spent time with the Cardinals, Expos, Twins and Phillies during 1984-1990, hitting a grand total of 5 home runs and driving in 69 runs across his time in the Big Leagues.  After Nieto hung up his cleats, his rise through the managing ranks was fairly meteoric, culminating with a spot as the skipper for the Triple A Rochester Red Wings.  However, his record as a Triple A pilot was abjectly dismal at 49-95 in 2010 and 53-91 in 2011 (the first time the Rochester franchise had had back-to-back 90-loss seasons since 1903-1904), which may explain his current status as the manager of a Rookie League team in the Mormon outpost of Orem, Utah.  We’ll keep an eye on him and see where he goes from here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AS DETECTIVE COLOMBO MIGHT PUT IT,

JUST ONE MORE THING” ABOUT MY

EVENING AT SUPLIZIO FIELD

 

The announcer for the Grand Junction Rockies, a golden-throated fella by the name of Ryan Bigley, did the play-by-play for this low-level game with just as much eloquence and passion as if he was announcing Game 7 of the World Series.  (Bigley Announces Rockies' Lineup)  Even when he was reading ads for paying sponsors, or announcing upcoming events, or describing the between-inning games and contests and the usual Minor League tomfoolery [F5], his voice rang out crystal clear and with verve and vigor.  His level of broadcasting far exceeded the level of baseball play on the field below him, and so I probably would have been better off to have listened to him announce the game over the radio, were that available.  A true professional practicing his craft.  Beautiful.

 

 

CHARACTERS WITH CHARACTER

 

One of the things I appreciate most about the Hot Stove League is that I get to associate on a regular basis with a dozen men of high character, but who are also fun-loving, intelligent, kind, wise [F6] and, each in his own way, unique.  In fact, you are all [F7] characters in the very best sense of the word, with your own unique personalities, interests, passions, prejudices [F8] and takes on life.  I mean, how lucky can a person be to have 12 long-time chums who are not only each characters, but also full of character?

 

The foregoing serves as my segue into discussing a book which I finished earlier this summer and which I think should be required reading for all human beings, entitled The Road to Character, authored by political columnist and Yale teacher David Brooks.  When I first saw it on a bookshelf at the airport and read the reviews on the book cover, I thought, “Yeah, this is something I ought to read,” a thinking man’s self-help guide to being a better person.  So I bought it, and then it sat on the bed stand next to my bed for probably about six months, as I eyed it suspiciously and with more than a little trepidation.  I mean, at age 60, you would like to think that one has had enough setbacks and life lessons that one has developed all of the character that one should need for one lifetime, but alas and alack, at least in my own case this apparently is not true, at least if you believe the book.  I assumed before digging into the book that there would likely be nothing more humbling than reading about and thinking about some of history’s best and most character-filled persons, and then making the inevitable comparisons to yourself and coming up far short.  Who needs that kind of painful self-flagellation? 

 

But as I found out by actually reading it, The Road to Character isn’t designed to make the reader feel bad by inviting a comparison of the reader’s character against that of the individuals explored in the book, or by making one feel ashamed or unworthy for not being the next Albert Schweitzer or Mother Theresa--it provides instead a recipe for self-examination, and slow but steady moral improvement and deepening of character.  It was Brooks’ aim to peel back the layers of the lives of some very interesting people--many of whom were deeply flawed or had seemingly insurmountable life challenges--and show that through perseverance, self-reflection and self-analysis they were able to develop great character by the ends of their lives.  This was my eventual takeaway from this book.  In other words, even if you are a huge screw-up [F9] on many fronts and in many parts of your life, and even if you have largely lived a self-absorbed, materialist and/or hedonistic lifestyle for all or most of your life, there is hope.  [F10] Just like at the Met, the show isn’t over until the fat lady sings.

 

In Brooks’ book, if you choose to pick it up, you will read about the following individuals, many of whom I had not even heard of before:

 

Frances Perkins, labor activist (The Summoned Self)

Dwight David Eisenhower, President (Self-Conquest)

Dorothy Day, publisher of The Catholic Worker (Struggle)

George C. Marshall, general (Self-Mastery)

A. Phillip Randolph, civil disobedience (Dignity)

Mary Ann Evans (aka George Eliot), writer (Love)

Saint Augustine, bishop (Ordered Love)

Samuel Johnson, writer (Self-Examination)

 

Since I know that you are all busy and that some or all of you may not ever read this truly thought-provoking work, allow me to share just a few of the pearls of wisdom from Mr. Brooks:

 

Recently I’ve been thinking about the difference between the resume virtues and the eulogy virtues.  The resume virtues are the ones you list on your resume, the skills that you bring to the job market and that contribute to external success.  The eulogy virtues are deeper.  They’re the virtues that get talked about at your funeral, the ones that exist at the core of your being--whether you are kind, brave, honest or faithful; what kind of relationships you formed. 

 

Success leads to the greatest failure, which is pride.  Failure leads to the greatest success, which is humility and learning. 

 

(About people with great character) After you’ve known them for a while it occurs to you that you’ve never heard them boast, you’ve never seen them self-righteous or doggedly certain.  They aren’t dropping little hints of their own distinctiveness and accomplishments.  These are the people who have built a strong inner character, who have achieved a certain depth.  In these people, at the end of the struggle, the climb to success has surrendered to the struggle to deepen the soul.  After a life of seeking balance, Adam I bows down before Adam II.  These are the people we’re looking for.

 

We all have a moral responsibility to be more moral every day.

 

But character is built not only through austerity and hardship.  It is also built sweetly through love and pleasure.  When you have deep friendships with good people, you copy them and then absorb some of their best traits.  When you love a person deeply, you want to serve them and earn their regard. 

 

Moreover, the struggle against the weaknesses in yourself is never a solitary struggle.  No person can achieve self-mastery on his or her own.  Individual will, reason, compassion, and character are not strong enough to consistently defeat selfishness, pride, greed, and self-deception.  Everyone needs redemptive assistance from outside--from family, friends, ancestors, rules, traditions, institutions, exemplars, and for believers, God.  We all need people to tell us when we are wrong, to advise us on how to do right, and to encourage, support, arouse, cooperate, and inspire us along the way. 

 

The ultimate joys are moral joys.

 

In sum, this is a very meaningful read that probably made me as uncomfortable and squirmish as I have been reading a book since See Spot Run in first grade.  [F11] And for the record, I’m not suggesting that any one of you has a shortage of personal character or that any of you need to read the book; but if you do, I feel certain that you will be richer [F12] for it. 

 

 

SKIPPER SIGNS OFF

 

All right, fellas, enough (more than) for one issue.  Have a terrific and blessed Labor Day Weekend, all you characters out there, and Go Big Red!

 

 

Skipper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________

 

[F1] We May Never Pass This Way Again, September 1973, Warner Bros. Records.

 

[F2] Reportedly 1604, but I question that.  It felt more like about 500 of us in attendance. 

 

[F3] The supremely confident--a strutter--Rockies catcher, Nic Motley, a 14th round draft pick out of McClennan Community College in Texas, muffed a throw from the cutoff man to the plate which had the Owlz baserunner dead to rights; and the Owlz third baseman similarly blew a routine play at 3rd which would have nailed an advancing runner, and allowed him to score; and there were at least three or four wild pitches and/or passed balls by the Owlz batterymates.

 

[F4] Which are the precise words that I used recently to describe my iPad to Michele, when I couldn’t think of the term iPad.  Whoa.  I had better reserve myself a spot now at an assisted living facility.  That day is coming. 

 

[F5] By way of example, in between the second and third innings, the exceedingly cheerful master of ceremonies wheeled three little kids out onto the field with their hobby horses for a race contest.  With unsurpassed enthusiasm, Ryan exclaimed convincingly, “What a great night for a Pony Hops Race!”  And he was absolutely right.

 

[F6] I’d like to think that as we get older, we are all getting wiser.  Not universally true, but there is a lot of accumulated wisdom among elders, and for most of us, that is we.

 

[F7] I don’t know about the rest of you, but it’s kind of fun to try to describe to others the characters of the Hot Stove League to people who don’t know them, or don’t know them well.  Take Underbelly, for example.  I wish I had a nickel for every time in my professional life that I started a sentence with, “My friend Bob in Lincoln says . . .”, or “When my friend Bob in Lincoln worked for the railroad, he . . .”, because I would be as wealthy as King Midas.  But I mean, how do you describe the essence of the league Oracle to someone who hasn’t met him, or has only met him once or twice but does not really know him.  It’s tough to truly explain the marrow of one Bob Hurlbut to someone else, but it usually ends with a great story, like how Bob kept out of trouble at the Burlington Northern by always carrying a clipboard and a pen or a tape measure around with him so that he could look busy when one of his superiors crossed his path; and by then pretending to measure some part of a building or a box car or a dying bush, and then furiously scribbling indecipherable notes on his clipboard.  Or even better, like when Bob would take the offensive and start peppering said superior with questions about what he was doing, rocking him back on his heels and putting him on the defensive.  As they say, the best defense is a good offense.  The Oracle has spoken. 

 

Or Shamu.  How do you explain to someone who is not part of our HSL Baker’s Dozen just how endearing and lovable is our dear Brother Shamu, or convey the essence of this Character’s Character to someone else?  Well, you could  start with one of the scores of tales of Sir Charles’ misadventures in law school, most of which have been recounted in this organ and/or on every HSL Trip; or you could relay some of the myriad stories that have emerged about our beloved Shamu during his 33-year tenure in the Hot Stove League, such as our man Snickler nearly breaking into tears in Milwaukee on Seat Cushion Night when Itchie snatched and flipped his prized piece of free merch into the public domain; or the time on our Florida Spring Training trip many years ago when Shamu forced us to wait at baggage claim in Miami for the better part of an hour because he packed a “steamer trunk” full of mesh apparel and Brut products for the three-day trip, while the rest of us packed one extra pair of shorts and one extra shirt in our carry-on luggage; or the time that we almost lost our beloved Brother Shamu to a heart attack at Angels Stadium, when a rash Sir Charles threw out the 25-to-1 odds against a home run by the light-hitting Greg Gagne, he of the Senators’ roster.  What a thoroughly upright and interesting person.  One of a kind.

 

Or the life of any party, Big Johnny.  How does one convey to the total stranger or the casual observer the central essence of this brash, big-talking, free-wheeling, cocksure, Credit Card Huckster with the special affinity for Captain and Coke?  You might start by calling him One-Way Tony Lite, but that would be a slight to our beloved Foster, who is every bit as fun and every bit the character as is One-Way, but without all of the legal and marital gaffes.  Perhaps the best way to explain Big Johnny to anyone who doesn’t know him would be to have him tag along on one of our Hot Stove League trips when Big Johnny heads up to the bar looking for a wait unit to bring us all our shots and then to lustily hail him, “Big Johnny!” for our entertainment.  He is the man. 

 

Or Stretch, our elongated league curmudgeon with the heart of gold, who seemingly loves to whine and moan about things like exploding scoreboards, loud music at ballgames, mascots of any size, shape, ilk or team affiliation [Fa], judges, clients, and just people in general, and yet in truth and reality he is a gentle giant who does in fact love mankind and is a bleeding-heart liberal in the mold of Bernie Sanders.  And when he is knocking them back, going toe-to-toe with Foster on our HSL junkets, is there anyone having more fun and who is more entertaining than McJester?  And how does one make a total stranger understand this whole McJester chapter of his life?

 

While I’m at it, how does anyone define my beloved brother-in-law BT to the unintroduced and uninformed?  Personally, I like to start by explaining that he is an outstanding and incomparable father, son, friend and person; and as well, that he is an individual with more idiosyncrasies, anxieties, irregularities and compulsions than just about anyone else I know, but that he has learned how to neutralize if not conquer these demons and to go on to live an enormously satisfying, productive and benevolent life.  And if someone should ask, “What do you mean? Can you give me an example?”, I would say, “I’m glad you asked.”  And then I would tell the story about how he and Beth and Matthew and Anna were all heading from Lincoln to Eppley Airfield about two summers ago for their long-awaited and anticipated family vacation to Martha’s Vineyard off the coast of Cape Cod, and as they neared the airport, like, a literal block away, Scott turns to Beth and said, “I can’t go,” to which she responded, “What do you mean, ‘you can’t go’?”, to which he responded, “I can’t go.”  And of course, all of you know the rest of the story: Scott drops off Beth and the kids at the terminal, parks his vehicle, saunters over to a rental car counter at 5:30 in the morning, and tells the still half-asleep rental car agent that he needs a one-way rental from Eppley to Martha’s Vineyard--which absolutely had to adduce a doubletake--and then proceeds to make the two-day drive from Omaha to Martha’s Vineyard to enjoy a fantastic fortnight (less the 2-day drive) with his family.  Problem encountered, problem solved.  That’s our man BT. 

 

And if I wasn’t almost out of recording space on my Dictaphone tape, I could go on at length about the rest of you and what makes each of you such an enjoyable and interesting character:  For Big Guy, it would be all about his Total Recall Memory, his Tale Topper tendencies, and perhaps with a French Beer and/or Attic Walker anecdote mixed in; for Slopay, it would certainly have to do with his razor-sharp wit, his quiet Muttley chuckle, and his unabashed Blue Collar pride; with Mouse, it would clearly involve a tale or two from his premarital Casanova lifestyle, followed by his miracle conversion to upstanding Family Man and Goodwill Ambassador, not to mention his fervent love of the New York baseball nine; in re: Magpie, there would likely be talk about a certain trip on the mean streets of L.A., his lifelong crush on Shelley Smith, and his smashingly successful professional career which has resulted in opportunities to hobnob with the likes of Walter Scott on his yacht; and I can’t forget Jim Ed, the tenacious Tirebiter who was born in the Hawkeye State with a Nebraska cow chip on his shoulder, and who remains eternally optimistic that he will have his name eventually etched on The Cup--in spite of more bridesmaid finishes than the Brooklyn Dodgers--even if it means having to outlive his twelve older competitors; and then last, but certainly not least, the inscrutable PAwesome, who’s not just a “character,” but a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, locked inside an enigma, but whose ardor for the competition of this league and generosity know no bounds. 

 

As said before hereinabove, I’m truly blessed and eternally grateful to be associated with a dozen such characters as all of you, in the very best sense of the word.

 

[F8] You know who you are.  And remember, Stretch is keeping track.

 

[F9] Guilty as charged--don’t ask.

 

[F10] See Itchie for an odds sheet on your individual chances for redemption--his Salvation Pool.

 

[F11] Or in your case, Itchie, eighth grade.

 

[F12] Because, upon proof of completion, I will pay you $5.

 

 

 

[Fa] It just now occurred to me that Stretch’s long-ago, ill-fated attempt to bring the San Diego Chicken to justice and financial ruin while lining his own pocketbook may be the root of his lifetime of ill feelings about sports mascots.  Duh.  Now I get it.