Boy, isn’t that the truth?  Ground Hog Day.  I mentally walk in and out of that movie every year about this time.  I’m hoping that the earlier start time might shake things up a bit. I’m a morning person.  I always think better in the morning.

I’m also a ponderer.  I like to ponder things, try to figure out why things turn out the way they do.  I’d like to figure out why my draft always turns out the way it does, which brings me to do a little pondering on myself.  How far away am I from being competitive?  I’ll give you an example.  While preparing for the draft this year I get this breath of fresh thought . . . . an epiphany--look for a starting pitcher who actually is just a reliever who you can keep in the lineup all the time.  I know, I know, Chuck does it every year, but the point is I NEVER think about it beforehand.  This year I actually did.  So I skip over to Scott’s office to inform him about this life-altering change in strategy.  Scott, being the person that he is, politely nods in agreement and says “Wow, that’s a great idea, I think you’re on to something” (or on something, I don’t remember exactly what he said), all the while thinking to himself, “Wow, I wonder if this guy knows about microwaves and remote controls.”  It all comes back to that damn 156K Tandy hard drive God fitted me with.  We’ve all kind of grown old together and, since I’m the oldest, I can give you an idea of what’s coming. You know you’re old when your wife talks you into watching Dancing With the Stars and you can’t figure out who the “Stars” are.  I suffer from Brimful Brain Disease and this will eventually happen to each of you at some point in your life, depending upon the size of your own internal hard drive. . . .  Well, mine’s full, I can’t fit anymore in it, not without something getting deleted or falling out the bottom of it.  That’s why time seems to go faster as you get older.  You can’t jam anymore life experiences into the old memory bank, so there’s this skip . . . . like on a record, it doesn’t take up any space but you missed the whole damn thing.  Now each of you has something to ponder.  So while pondering on just when did mine get full, I had to go all the way back to high school.

I went to school with Kathi, Dave’s sister, very beautiful, very smart.  In fact, we went through junior high and high school together, yet I never had her in a class, not one.  You would think at some point we would have had at least one class together.  This got me to pondering if there was something going on.  Granted, my locker was dangerously close to “The Pool” which in Northeast speak means “The Special Ed” section, but I refuse to believe that my proximity to “The Pool” meant anymore than just a coincidence, plus my Mom assured me there was no significance to it and I hadn’t shown an aptitude for the “Industrial Arts” . . . . still haven’t as far as they’re concerned.  Looking back on my transcripts, it was pretty evident that the Fields Medal was safe and, as I’m sure Ted can attest, so was the Pulitzer Prize.  I’ll bet when he reads my posts on the Message Board and plows through the misspelled words and fragmented sentences, it’s like driving down a pot-holed gravel road in his Lexus.  So it looks like the last time I was on top of my game may have been junior high.  Well, it is what it is.  Even though my Mom said I was “special” to her, she did mention the word lazy a few times.  I can live with that.  So my hard drive is full and I’m lazy.

So how does that relate to baseball?  It means I might have to put forth some extra effort, not blowing snot bubbles effort . . . . but maybe a little more than I have in the past.  It’s no secret that I feel luck is the overriding factor in winning this thing and I can put together a pretty strong case to prove it.  Look at Ted and Big Guy.  Nobody knows more about baseball and statistics than those two guys and they are never going to win again.  Ted has decided to pursue his career as the Unablogger full time and keep us filled in on the daily, if not hourly, trials and tribulations of HIS team in a very heartfelt, intelligent and unbiased (as long as the player isn’t a Red Sox, was a Red Sox, retired as a Red Sox or is planning on becoming a Red Sox) fashion and, believe me, it touches us all in that “special way.”  Big Guy is hopelessly lost in the maze of the lower division and believe me it’s no easy chore to find your way out.  I’ve been looking for that manhole cover for the past 20 years.

I’ve always felt the odds of winning the Hot Stove League are about the same as getting hit with a lightning bolt, as evidenced by the two singed chairs on either side of me at the draft.  So what am I missing?  What is the common denominator that the winning teams share?  Or should I say, what is the common denominator of the teams that haven’t won?  WE’RE THE THREE SHORTEST GUYS IN THE LEAGUE.  No one would argue that God is a pretty good shot with a lightning bolt, but not even he can slip one past 6’7” Godzilla sitting next to me, and when he did get one past Dave’s coconut, it hit Denny.  He’s also lazy and I did have a class with him but he’s also two inches taller than me.

In Johnny’s case, he was more than likely sitting in a puddle of beer, which would explain the water and electricity theory.  In fact, he’s been hit so many times I’m sure his ears are still ringing.

Mouse is kind of an enigma; he’s a cross between Mr. Rogers and Charlie Scheen, with a little more Scheen than Rogers, which may be the rub.  Although, I have to tell you, after seeing that paisley shirt that you wore at Blongo’s shindig, I’m starting to lean towards Jon Cryer.  If that’s the case you might want to think about some platform heel shoes to get a little more height.  I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help.

Jim, what can I say?  They don’t call you the Crimson Chirpper for nothing, as evidenced by your red complexion and numerous second place finishes.  You’ve had lightning bolts flying all around you, probably for a myriad of reasons.  You might want to lube up with some more Butch Wax and wear a tinfoil hat or, if you’re in that same puddle as Johnny, try standing up.

It all comes down to how liberal God is at flinging those bolts.  Even though Chuck is one of the shorter league members, he obviously “elevated” his position by recharging his faith, a feat that didn’t go unnoticed by the real “Big Guy.”  This is going to require a little more work on my part. Just attending church is not good enough and evidently staring at my shoelaces and thinking about what I’m going to do later in the day and generally being fussy during the sermons didn’t go unnoticed either.  Thank God, Jody would always have a baggie full of Cheerios and Trix in her purse to take the edge off.

The only fly in the ointment is Jeff.  He doesn’t have the losing longevity that the rest of us have, so he gets a pass for a couple of more years, plus he seems to be grounded in some way or another.  He might have scoliosis or something causing him to stoop down.  Trust me, sitting next to Scott and Dave at the draft isn’t doing you any favors.  You want the opposite effect of laying in a ditch when a tornado goes over.  Plus, he may be a poser, especially after the great team he drafted this year and after last year’s second place finish.

This year I was planning on scooting my chair over next to Mitch.  He’s always in the hunt no matter what kind of a team he drafts.  But you know what?  As soon as I would start thinking about moving over by him, the sky would cloud up and lights would dim and the room would get cold, very cold . . . . that damp, chill-to-the-bone cold and I was immediately reminded of that quote, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.”  I think it was from Dante’s Divine Comedy or Vrbal Kent in Usual Suspects.  And all this time we have been blaming poor, old, soot-covered, ears ringing, singed, drunk Johnny.   Hmmmmmmm?

Jim, Mouse, I’m going to bring old phone books for us to sit on next year to even the playing field.

From The Bellyflop, originally published 4/30/08:

Is that really Earl Weaver in the picture? It looks more like an old Charley McCarthy with Dave’s arm up his back.

This kind of snuck up on me, so it won’t the longest Bullpen you’ve ever read. Scott has implemented a new computer plan at work and I’m trying not to be the first dinosaur voted off the premises. When you hit fifty you should be able to get a Grandfather clause to guard against these situations. There are only so many candles still lit in the attic.

Doesn’t it seem like we’ve been getting Skipper Lite these past couple of years? I miss the old Skipper. God knows I’ve given him enough ammo; the Tribe hasn’t been relevant for years. The old Skipper would never pass up a shot; I use to be so afraid of writing anything for fear of spelling a word wrong and getting my paper sent back to me corrected, that it actually kept me up at night. Now, I just fire these Bullpens off without giving it a second thought. They look like my Granddaughter got a hold of them with a green and red crayon, but you know what, I don’t care. The teacher’s gone, he’s stepped out for a while, there’s no one guarding the hen house, the Keeper of Grammar is on sabbatical (by the way, the computer just inserted an extra b in sabbatical all on its own, one looked good enough for me) and now all I feel is sad. I feel like a two year old who can’t get anyone’s attention. I miss the old Skipper.

Here are just a few of my thoughts on the teams and owners:

Cubs:

In a word: Hieroglyphics (yup, spell checker)

There are pictures of Smoltz, Martinez, Griffey, Jones, Wagner and Frank Thomas on the walls of caves in France. If Tejada has anymore interviews with ESPN he’ll be 45 be the end of the month. If the Cubs win, I’ll join a monastery. (Linda, could you erase this from the archives, I don’t want Ted throwing this back in my face if I’m wrong)?

Highlanders:

In a word: Puzzling (I’m really getting tired of these red squiggly lines, there’s no e in puzzling)? Really?

OK, I’m a little biased by his 11th place prediction of the Tribe. I’ll try to live up to his lofty expectations. Mitch reminds me of Dick Chenney, he does a lot of work off camera, sinister work, but work never the less. He’ll mold this team into a contender. He always does.

Bears:

In a word: Persistent

If you settle for what you got, you deserve what you get. Denny will work this team like a rented mule, he’ll get every inning, and every point that he can out of them. Now that he has a job that he gets off work at 1:30, it gives him ample time to plot his strategy for the day. In fact, the only person I know who has had more free time on his hands is Wesley Snipes tax advisor. He’ll have triple digit transactions by the end of the year. Don’t count him out.

Chiefs:

In a word: Clairvoyant

Scott has an uncanny ability to read people. The team he started the season with will bear no resemblance to team he ends the season with. He proved it last year that he knows what buttons to push and when to push them. Like rust, he never sleeps. He does more early morning transactions then a drug dealer or paper boy. I wish I could read between the lines as well as he does.

Wahoos:

In a word: REPUBLICAN

Ted knows more about baseball and statistics than anyone West of Big Guy. He’s not as active on the waiver wire list as I would expect him to be and this may hurt him. But, there is always a well thought out reason for everyone he drafts and this makes him a threat.

We start life out like an over zealous defense lawyer, we’re anxious to defend the downtrodden and stand up to the uncaring establishment. Then we drift into middle age and become jaded by the realities of bucking the system and become more self aware of our own lot in life and devote our time to acquiring and keeping our wealth, while keeping our younger ideals on our mental backburner. As we pass into our older years and we are comfortable in what we’ve achieved, we grant ourselves the luxury of looking back and wondering, what if? Democrat, Republican, Democrat. I just prefer to cut out the middle man.

Any Whoooooooooo

Monarchs:

In a word: Prepared

In my humble opinion, the 2008 HOTSTOVE CHAMPION. I can’t find a flaw. I want to find a flaw, but I just can’t. Those countless nights of burning the midnight oil have paid off for Jeff. You can slowly introduce yourself back into the family now. Jeff’s greatest attribute is his attention to the waiver wire and free agents, which rivals Denny’s and Scott’s in thoroughness.

Redbirds:

In a word: Porcelain

I hate this team more than a cold toilet seat. He’s like a pin oak leaf, he not going anywhere. (I don’t think those damn things are even biodegradable, if you don’t rake them up, there yours forever).

Skipjacks:

In a word: Fog

This team is going to creep up on us in the middle of night like a student loan officer and we won’t see it coming.

Tigers:

In a word: Thankful

Thanks for taking Jimmy Rollins; I told Scott before the draft that my greatest fear would be seeing Hanley Ramirez and Jose Reyes going right before me and that I would get stuck taking someone coming off a career year. You, more than anyone, should know what that means in this league.

Tribe:

In a word: Redundant

I’m bored with myself. What is it about a "Wet Paint" sign that makes us touch the wall anyway? I just had to draft Travis Hafner again to make sure that all the success that he achieved in the past was due solely to the use of steroids. Suspicions confirmed. Along with half of baseball. So my strategy this year was to take the natural equivalent of steroids. Youth.

Blues:

In a word: Passion

If it were passion alone that fueled the Blues he would run away with the league. Jon has some top tier talent waiting in the wings for their chance, if he’s patient they will pay off for him in the long run. Jon, it’s my hope that we will have an epic battle like last year, only this time for a top half finish.

Bombers:

In a word: Luck

There are only 4 of us left who believe in luck or the lack of it and I’m not sure Jeff’s heart is in it anymore. After this year, it might just be you, me and Buser. Who needs that dumb ole trophy anyway? Quick… whos’ the biggest scumbag, Clemens or Rose? If the internet reports are true, it looks like the Rocket was into the youth movement too.. Who would have thought that Rose could come out on top of any character comparison? With anbody?

Senators:

In a word: Nostalgia

Really, everyone has a fighting chance in this thing; it just all comes down to how much time you can devote. It’s too bad all those remote baseball venues that Dave encounters aren’t equipped with a computer link to Yahoo Sports, so Dave could run his team while he’s there. Evidently, the walk down the hall to his home office is further than St Paul, Ne. As of today’s standings it looks like the Senators are beginning to right the ship, a competitive Skipper is good for the league. What has always made this league, this club or ours, special, is Dave. I think that is the one thing we can all agree upon. Just promise me this. If I ever pass out on a subway ride at 2 am in the morning in Chicago, you’ll care enough to lean over and put my sunglasses on me backwards and jam business cards in mouth. For old time sakes.